Does Your Alcoholic Spouse Still Love You?

Does your alcoholic spouse still love you?  I'm going to start right off the bat explaining how it really is when you are married to or love an alcoholic. The first thing to remember is they are not themselves.  Thy were not born alcoholic. Alcoholics become alcoholic through the many factors that foster addictive behavior in people. Alcohol changes a person that drinks and many times those changes are negative towards others, especially those who live with and love an alcoholic, such as a spouse. Spouses receive the brunt of the alcoholics behaviors, whether good or bad.

Not Themselves

The alcoholic can love and does love in the ways they know how to love as an addicted person.  Note the emphasis on "as an addicted person".  Addictive people often bury the feelings and emotions they don't want discovered and there they stay. More about that in a moment.   Yes, the addicted person still loves you but unfortunately they love alcohol more. Addiction makes us selfish and unable to provide "genuine love" to others while in the throngs of the addiction.  And because alcoholism is an progressive health issue the behaviors seem to get worse over time. 

Maybe you married an alcoholic who was not in the last stages of the addiction and they were more loving and caring towards you. But as I stated previously, alcoholism is a progressive addiction that enhances every facet of our bodies, namely mental, emotional, physical and spiritual and with that being said the alcoholic in your life may be showing signs of being in the depths of the addiction, where he or she is incapable of showing love in the proper manner.  

Alcoholics Bury Feelings

So yes, even though the alcoholic seems to not love you anymore, they do love you in the only way they know how as a drinking person who has entangled themselves into addiction.  Alcoholics tend to bury their feelings deep within themselves because if those feelings get out, he or she would have to feel something and they don't want to feel; that's precisely why they drink, to make themselves feel better.   Do you understand?   Alcoholics are very good at managing their emotions with booze.  And unfortunately that is part of why they are addicted.

So what can you do?  Detach with love. The alcoholic may forget to tell you they love you but you can always let them know you love them, just not the addiction. Read some of our articles on detaching from the alcoholic with love.  You desperately need to set boundaries for yourself so you can heal yourself and then help the alcoholic you love.   This will give you the encouragement and hope you need to continue to live with and love the alcoholic in your life.   

How to Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse Ebook - (Instant download) New Low Price $14.99 

Blessings,
Angie and Frank                                                      

Using our Feelings to do Good With

This morning I woke up thinking about all the married people in the world who are living with an alcoholic and suffering greatly over it and something became aware to me that I never thought of before. I get some of my best awareness moments first thing in the morning when my mind is fresh and clear. 

Well, this morning I got to thinking that some people might be apprehensive to detach, and for many reasons. Perhaps they are afraid that if they detach their spouse will leave them; or maybe they are in fear to detach because of what the alcoholic may do to them; or perhaps they aren’t ready to take that leap of faith to detach because of the unknown consequences. Perhaps there are even more reasons. 

The point is these are normal feelings to have. I never thought about this before, that there are people who are apprehensive about detaching, until this morning and I’m thinking about updating the Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse eBook with some encouraging biblical wisdom to help people understand that, “it’s ok to emotionally detach yourself from that which is hurting you”.

 

We know that detaching emotionally from the alcoholic works, not only is it proven to work and is something that is so very helpful to you and the alcoholic, but it is biblical. Part of learning to detach is being able to forgive, and turning the other cheek, both of which are positive character traits taught to us through God’s Word. 

Emotional detachment from the alcoholic is the best remedy for dealing with an abusive alcoholic and that is why we wrote the book “Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse”. Detaching begins the healing process for the spouse who is married to the alcoholic which as a result, gets the alcoholic to have to take responsibility for his or her drinking problem. 

It’s Ok to Emotionally Detach Yourself from that which is Hurting You

After all no one is made of steel, God gave us feelings so we could understand how to use those feelings appropriately with the people we interact with in life. He gave us His Wisdom and now we just have to apply His wisdom into our relationships. It begins with forgiveness, patience, turning the other cheek…

Think of detaching like this: Detaching is not being accepting of the alcoholic’s behavior, detaching is simply not allowing yourself to be a part of the alcoholic’s behavior. See the difference? You need to take care of you. 

God explains to us that we are to “Turn the Other Cheek”

But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Matthew 5:39

What is Jesus asking us to do here? Is He really telling us to allow ourselves to be browbeaten and mentally and emotionally abused by the alcoholic we are married to?

Not exactly, but…

He is asking us to “suffer patiently” rather than “retaliate with our emotions”. 

God teaches us how to use our feelings for the GOOD rather than for the bad.

What happens when you detach from that which is hurting you?

When you learn to emotionally detach it not only helps you but it also helps the alcoholic. Yelling, screaming and name-calling back (emotional retaliation) does not make the alcoholic look at himself and his problem, but rather look at you and what a mess you are. Christ says, “Turn to him the other also”. This just means “walk away” rather than “seek revenge” or “retaliate” or “get a divorce”, or “treat badly”, or…

“Turn to him the other also” does not mean to stand there and take the abuse but it does mean not to seek vengeance through how you react and behave towards the alcoholic. Turn to him the other also is what detaching is all about. You see, God knew that tuning the other cheek (detachment) shows the abusive one (alcoholic or other) that THEY are the ones that in fact DO have a problem; not you, the person they are married to. It makes them have to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. 

When you detach you are releasing yourself from the problem! Essentially you are giving the alcoholic their problem (then they have to take responsibility) and when the alcoholic realizes this is when he or she can finally come out of denial, which is the first step towards healing. You’re not responsible for the alcoholic, even if you are married to them. You can’t control what an alcoholic does or doesn’t do while they are drinking. So shed yourself of that responsibility and detach from that aspect of the addiction. The ebook on detachment goes into much more detail on this.

Turning the other cheek or detaching is using your feelings for the good! This is the way God intended for us to use our emotions. Now, let’s go back to what we were talking about in the beginning about being apprehensive to detach. 

Come out of the Trap of Alcoholism

Sometimes when we do something new, not in our normal way of behaving it can be intimidating because we do not know what to expect. This is because we are so used to using our feelings as a defense mechanism. We feel a certain way and then use those feelings as a way to guard ourselves and to, well, retaliate or be abusive with those who are abusive with us. 

The problem with that is the alcoholic does not know how we are feeling and why we are retaliating; they just see us as having a problem, especially if we are blaming them, accusing them, calling them names, yelling and screaming, and even enabling them to drink. All of these things from you shows the alcoholic that YOU have a problem and it takes him or her off their problem, the drinking problem. Do you get it? It is time to come out of the trap of alcoholism!

You Must Put Your Faith with God, Not in Your Feelings

Well, these are the times to remember that you are not alone! You must put your faith and trust with Jesus Christ. He knows what you are going through. Reading Psalms gives us a reminder of this. God has shown us that He is our Protector and Provider, no matter what we are going through. 

For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard. Psalm 22:24

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm 18:2

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me: you shall stretch forth your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand shall save me. Psalm 138:7

When you first stop retaliating back with your negative feelings and actually detach it will take the alcoholic off guard. They’re use to you name-calling, or screaming and yelling, not walking away. They may not like it because it is so foreign to them that it intimidates them. 

Turning the other cheek or detaching, whichever you want to call it, can be difficult to do, at first, because it is not your normal way of behaving, but after a while you will begin to feel a sense of peace and contentment come over you that you never experienced before when living with the alcoholic. 

Your healing has begun: This is because you realize that you don’t have to be a part of the addiction but only a person on the sidelines or a person for moral support to the alcoholic, if they ask for it. 

Only when you stop taking responsibility or when you stop reacting with your negative feelings will you understand your role in being married to an alcoholic. You love the alcoholic but hate the addiction. Ask God for discernment to know the difference between the two, and reading eBook “How to Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse” will be one of your greatest ammunition sources, besides the bible, when dealing with an alcoholic and wanting to learn how to detach and applying loving detachment into your marriage and life. 

Your role is not to retaliate or defend yourself but to simply be a loving spouse on the sidelines, who will not take responsibility for the drinker, and who will not help the drinker to drink, and who will not allow the drinker to think YOU are the one with the problem. Once you have rescued you from the addiction the alcoholic is then burdened with the responsibility of the problem instead of you. You see how that works?

How Do I Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse – shows you how to detach from the alcoholic and get your life back!

Angie’s Marriage Column ~ September 22, 2010: What can a wife do when her alcoholic husband stays out drinking all weekend?

Ask Angie: Dear Angie. What do I do when my husband sleeps out drinking every weekend this has been going on for 17 years and I am tired of this. He gives no explanations.

Ask Angie: I am in stressed. My husband sleeps out every weekend for the past 6 months. I know about submission, which I still, do all the duties a wife should do. I keep still waiting patiently for God to do the work in my husband. I pray thanking God for my storm, which brought me closer to Him, and I know the storm must stop but hey it’s getting to me. Please help. Do I confront my husband about this? I am so scared an argument will erupt.

To our readers: We’re sorry if it is taking a long time for us to get back with you with biblical guidance and encouragement. Our ministry is getting more and more requests for marital help, I try and answer each question as they come in but when you are swamped with marriage questions it may take up to 6 weeks to two months before you marriage question is answered! Of course, if your question is seriously urgent, please let us know and we will try and get to your question as soon as we can.

We also give biblical counsel through our marriage videos. We have over 240 helpful articles, and a self-help area for husbands and wives, plus marriage healing packages. There is no need to contact us twice with the same question, as we do answer EVERY question that comes into the ministry, whether privately or through our columns and newsletters. We answer every question as it comes in, unless it is of an urgent nature, where a spouse needs to have the guidance right away.

Please bear with us as we consider ways to better serve you, our readers and those who are suffering and need of biblical counsel. In the mean time, your support of our ministry through subscription to our marriage videos, and or donating to our healing packages or books and ebooks would truly help us to help you. We also will consider having a few volunteer article or blog writers for the Heaven Ministries Blogs.

Marriage Guidance: As anyone knows who has had to live with an alcoholic, addiction hurts. Unfortunately, no matter what you say, or how much you try to get your alcoholic husband to stay home on the weekends, he is most-likely going to go out anyway. They say alcoholism is the insidious disease and this is part of that insidiousness.

This surely does not mean that you cannot ask your husband to please stay home. But don’t get your hopes up thinking that he is going to listen. He may listen to you while sober and say he won’t go out again, but once they start drinking you never know what he might do. You are powerless over what the alcoholic says or does.

But you can determine personal boundaries for yourself that let the alcoholic know what they may or may not do while drinking in the home. Setting boundaries for you is not a way to threaten or control the alcoholic. On the contrary, your boundaries have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you!

Personal boundaries are put into place so you can live with the alcoholic without going crazy and becoming sick with them! Personal boundaries are physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. I talk about this and detaching in greater detail in our book The Alcoholism Trap.

I’m wondering, is he going out on the weekends so to stay away from you while he is drinking, or is he having an affair? Because our guidance for you will be two different things depending on what is going on here. So below is our biblical guidance for each situation.

If The Alcoholic Does Not Want to Drink Around Spouse
Do not threaten the alcoholic. And never talk to the alcoholic when they are drinking. But you can speak up for yourself in a nicely assertive way and let him know that you do not want him to stay out all weekend long, and to please stay home. If he is drinking and driving, endangering himself and others, it would be ridiculous to sit and do nothing, even though, he may become violently abusive if you try and take the car keys. This is why you need to talk to your husband when he is sober.

If he is not driving, I’m not sure why you would want him home causing alcoholic ado and uproar in the home. You see, I speak from alcoholic experience. If the alcoholic stays home and drinks, anyone who is in the home will be affected by “what the alcoholic does” while drinking, whatever that might be. Most alcoholics become verbally abusive, while a few become violent, some become stupid and happy, while some just keep to themselves until they pass out.

Where is your husband going? What is he doing all weekend long? Is he at a friend’s house? Is it at the bars? Is he drinking a driving? Since you really did not give me very much information to go on, there are a lot of “what ifs” and “variables” that you need to think about before you do anything. You say that he gives no explanation—so I guess you don’t even know what your husband is doing while gone all weekend long.

I understand that you want your husband home, but once you find out what it is like to be around a drinking alcoholic you may change your mind. This is why you should understand about detachment from the drinking alcoholic.

We have written a series of alcoholism ebooks that help spouses of alcoholics deal with living with someone who has an addiction. The ebooks explain in detail when to do detach, how to do detach and when not to detach from the alcoholic. Many times wives are the enablers of the alcoholic and don’t know it and they can actually hold back the alcoholic from getting sober. We also have written an ebook for spouses that show them How to Help Their Spouse Get Sober.

Bottom line here is if you are going to ask your husband to stay home on the weekends be prepared for it! Read our conquer addiction blog written for alcoholics and those who love an alcoholic—there are some excellent articles on there. Then read How to Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse to help you be prepared for dealing with the insidiousness of the drinking alcoholic.

Check out some of our videos on alcoholism as well. Here’s one on how to help the alcoholic to sobriety. And here is one on detaching from the alcoholic. Next week we are going to talk about when the alcoholic husband lost his job and wife is supporting him and if that is enabling or not. Subscribe to our videos so you will receive notice of new videos when we upload them.

If Your Alcoholic Spouse is Having an Affair?
First thing, if your alcoholic spouse is having an affair, it would be silly to endanger yourself with a venereal disease, so I would stop having sex. This is not a threat for the alcoholic to stop having the affair, but a personal boundary that you NEED to do to protect your physical health!

There is no other time except when a woman is sick or on her monthly that she should not have sex with her husband. Scripture is VERY clear on this. The wife’s body belongs to her husband and the husband’s body belongs to his wife. But when either one is abusing their body outside of the marriage, then we certainly do not have to endanger our health as well. (1 Corinthians 7:4-5)

If the alcoholic does not want to be accountable for their actions that’s their problem, which there will be consequences at some point. But you still need to protect yourself. This biblical guidance is for all spouses who are having an affair, whether or not they are alcoholic or not, and who will not stop living in this sin. Our biblical advice is given below this next question that was sent into the ministry.

Ask Angie: Below is a quote from one of your articles:

“The spouse of an adulterer is obligated to stay married to an adulterer. But if the unbeliever continues in their sinful ways, what can you do but let them go. The only alternative would be for the believer to deny their own faith to preserve the marriage, which in many instances would be worse than letting the unbeliever go.”

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)

“The above verse is not a loophole for divorce. In fact, it says nothing about divorce. It states, “If the unbeliever leaves, let him do so.” It does not say, “If the unbeliever wants a divorce, give it to him.” No, it does not say that. Divorce may be legal with the state, but in God’s eyes, even if you divorce, you are still married, unless husband or wife dies. Period! ”

My question is…what if the adulterous spouse keeps committing adultery and refuses to leave. Should I insist that he leave?

Marriage Guidance: Please send this to the adulterer who will not stop being unfaithful. This is an unusual situation. Usually when a spouse is so hardhearted and will not stop in the adultery, they leave the marriage. So I’m wondering what the motive is for the adulterer in staying and putting their spouse through such a degrading and emotionally harmful behavior such as adultery. It is VERY selfish.

“And a woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.” (1 Corinthians 1:7) I’m truly not sure that a continual cheater is pleased to stay in the home. Someone who is having a relationship with someone other than who they married, and they are not repentant, would NOT be pleased to dwell with their spouse—it seems like an oxymoron to me.

There is an underlying reason here “why” he does not want to leave the marriage. Perhaps he knows that it is just a fling and that he will want to stay with his wife. Perhaps he wants to just have a mistress as a side dish. Maybe his wife is financially supporting him? Or maybe, he truly loves his wife and does not want to leave the marriage. Could it be that he knows that there is no such thing as divorce according to God? If he believes that then where is the faith to seek Christ for his inner emotional and spiritual healing?

Our suggestion to you is respectfully but assertively communicate yourself with your husband and find out why he is staying in the marriage while having sex with another woman. Then you can pray about it, ask God for the guidance you need and proceed accordingly. I don’t want to suggest anything drastic if your husband feels he wants to work on the marriage at some point. Sometimes the believing spouse needs to detach from the cheating spouse and continue praying for them, hoping they will find their way to Christ.

In any case, it is terribly wrong when a spouse won’t stop cheating—they need healing that only God can truly help them with. To be living in the home while you are having sex with someone else other than your spouse is VERY disrespectful and rude to flaunt your sin in your spouses face. And I believe it is not what God wants for the believing spouse.

God wants the believing spouse to try and spiritually influence the unbeliever to seek Christ for their life but if they are too emotionally disgusted and distraught to help the adulterer than it is best they separate, at least until the sinning spouse stops in the adultery. If they never do stop or if they continue to have affair after affair, then you are NOT in bondage to them and you may remain separated. Here is what scripture says.

“And to the married, I command, yet not I, but the Lord, ‘Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:11) It is not a sin to leave your unbelieving spouse but it is a sin to remarry. God knows that it is difficult to not have your spouse with you and that you may get lonely, this is precisely why he prefers that if the spouse is pleased to dwell, do not leave or have them leave.

“God hath called us to peace.” (1 Corinthians 7:15) For how will you know if you can really save your husband? If you have tried every available avenue to help your spouse receive Christ and they still are hardhearted what can you do? God wants us to live together in peace and harmony, but sometimes on rare occasions such as this, it is not likely. This is why God wants us to marry in the Lord and not be unequally yoked with unbelievers!

If a spouse is unwilling to be accountable to their spouse and they persist in the adultery, and if it is discouraging you from seeking God and staying faithful, then you as a believer, can ask them to leave, until they are ready to take responsibility for their actions and be the man or woman of God that God intends them to be. But of course, you can’t make them leave. First, before asking them to leave, find out why they want to stay in the marriage. Email us again if you need to.

Even though Christ Ones have the love of the Father to help them and shield them from problems within their lives, we are not made of steel. I only have to put myself in your shoes and to think about what it would be like to be in your situation to know what you are going through.

It is not only disrespectful towards the believing spouse, but it is degrading, emotionally hurtful and physically unhealthy to live with someone who is living in this way. This is why God does provide a way out in these rare occasions and under these circumstances by letting us know we are not in bondage to the unbelieving spouse, meaning we do not have to serve unbelief. “A brother or sister is not in bondage in such cases.” (1 Corinthians 7:15) This does not mean, however, that we are free to remarry.

Although we advocate that spouses stay together and try and work on the marriage there are rare instances such as this when the unbelieving spouse is not taking up the responsibilities of being a husband, not trying to be a husband, and deliberately sinning in their spouses face, so the wife should not have to live with such a person—it’s enabling him to continue in his lustful behavior. We are sorry for all people who have to suffer under such circumstances as adultery, especially those who are not repentant and continue to be controlled by worldly passions and lusts. (Titus 2:11-12)

Remember what God says if you separate from your husband… let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband.

Take care and God Bless!
In Christ,
Angie and Frank
Heaven Ministries ~ Marriage Ministry
http://www.heavenministries.com

Can Addicts Cure Themselves Without God?

Can addicts cure themselves? Absolutely not! If we believe that we are a part of God and He made us in His image, than how can we step outside of this belief and be healed by some other source. Only those people who really do not have faith and trust in God would take such a stance.

I was on an addiction forum on Amazon the other day and someone asked if addicts can get sober without God. The simple question is, they can stop drinking without God but they will not be whole people and completely healed from within without God because God is our Source—God is our healer! This is what I believe because I believe what God says! God says He is our healer.

I often see ex-alcoholics who are bitter, resentful, unhappy and angry people who say they cured themselves from addiction. Are they truly healed? No they are not healed, for if they were they would be content and happy people, at least most of the time. If they are healed than why do they still go to AA? Why are they angry and unhappy? Why do they still crave their substance of choice?

There are many bitter filled people who say they are sober, but the symptoms of addiction are still apparent within them because they did not go to God for healing. God makes us whole people because God is love and God gifts us with love when we are faithful to His love and guidance for us. When we have sincere faith to believe that God will heal us of addiction then God WILL heal us!

There are many ex-alcoholics who stopped drinking through the power of Christ working within them, who are content, loving, happy people. When you ask them how they quit drinking they come right out and praise and worship our Creator—they do not take the credit for such an accomplishment. They say that God healed and saved them from addiction.

Can addicts cure themselves without God? Well, some people seem to think so. But they have nothing to compare their bodies to. For them feeling angry or bitter or hanging on to feelings of unforgiveness for someone, and or having cravings and being emotionally challenged is a normal way to feel. Not until they truly feel the peace and contentment of the Holy Spirit within them will they change their tune and realize that just because they may not be abusing their substance of choice, does not, in no way mean, they are healed and complete and whole people.

It is Jesus Christ who takes away our impurities and makes us whole people in Him. When someone says they got sober in rehab what they mean to say is “today I am not drinking or using.” Who really knows what tomorrow will bring for them.

Think about this for a moment: God created us with a body, mind, and soul. All three of these aspects of ourselves NEED to be healed BEFORE we are completely cured of addiction. That means we need healing not just in the physical sense, but emotional, mental and spiritual sense too. So if someone says they cured themselves without God, but they do not know God then they are VERY confused and unfaithful people.

And when Jesus was entered into Capernaum, there came unto him a centurion, beseeching him, And saying, Lord my servant lieth at home sick of the palsy, grievously tormented.
And Jesus saith unto him, I will come and heal him.
The centurion answered and said, Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldest come under my roof: but speak the word only, and my servant shall be healed. For I am a man under authority, having soldiers under me; and I say to the man, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it.
When Jesus hear it, he marveled, and said to them that followed, Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great a faith, no, not in Israel. Go thy way, and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee. And his servant was healed in the selfsame hour. (Matthew 5: 8-13)

If you have complete faith in God, then He will heal you of addiction!

We uploaded a new healing video on alcoholism: Stop Taking Responsibility for the Alcoholic! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV4rGsVh8UY

How You Can Get Sober and Stay Sober For Good

Have you ever tried to quit drinking only to go back to it again and again? When you get sober are you getting sober for you or for someone else? It is my firm belief that the alcoholic must “want” to stop drinking and get their life back together for themselves BEFORE true sobriety will ever happen. When we are not convicted in our heart and mind to give up the addiction for ourselves we will have a difficult time staying sober.

Let me tell you a little bit about my situation when I first quit drinking and then you can decide for yourself. When I first got sober, about 16-years ago, I did it for my husband. I thought I wanted to quit so I could save my marriage, but I realized later, when reality hit, that I really didn’t want to quit drinking, but only wanted to appease husband and extended family.

I went into a rehab facility for 3-days and then went to a few Alcoholic’s Anonymous meetings, but because I was not getting sober for myself, sobriety only lasted a few weeks. I kept telling myself “reasons” why I could drink. Some of these reasons were really ridiculous but my mind was coming from an alcoholic perspective. The mind of an alcoholic does not “see” nor “understand” the depth of reality around them.

If the alcoholic is still in denial that they have a drinking problem, or if they are not ready to quit, or if they try and quit for someone else rather than for themselves, they will NOT be able to stay sober for any amount of time. If the alcoholic really wants to quit, they will through the power of God in their life. Only our Creator can save us from ourselves and free us from the wretchedness of this world.

I give thanks to God every day for giving me my life back! And I praise Him for making me whole in Jesus Christ! We can go to rehab, AA, counseling and our family can plead and beg for us to quit and threaten to leave us, but unless we’re convicted in our heart to quit because “we” want to quit it just won’t happen. Ah, yes, there are sober alcoholics walking around in society, but are they truly happy with their life? Are they truly free from the symptoms of an addicted mind?

God created us and He continues to breathe life into us, but some of us, especially those who are trapped within addiction are blowing God’s breath of life right back out—they have not yet accepted Christ—they are in bondage to addiction. The truth is we can walk this journey in life, stumbling around in the dark, hitting ourselves over the head in the process, or we can give up what is holding us back from God’s love for us.

We can humble our proud ways, and our wretched lives to Christ and begin to be the person that God intended for us to be—the person God intended for us to become in Him!! I’m a living, breathing testimony of God breathing life into me…if I didn’t have life I wouldn’t be able to give you this encouragement today. But God gave me back my life and He wants me to let you know there is a better way—His way!

Don’t waste another minute of your day, covering up your pain, your troubles, your past and your grief with alcohol. Give those things to Jesus and He will take care of your needs. But you have to trust Him. God knows your pain—He knocking at your door, but you have to answer the door and invite Him in.

God will give you peace and contentment…He says He will and I trust everything God says as true! Put your trust and faith in Him…today!

Do You Love an Alcoholic? – Settings Boundaries For You (part 2)

Loving an alcoholic is not about taking care of them, but about taking care of you. You have a responsibility to protect yourself from any of the alcoholic’s negative and destructive behavior. Setting boundaries for you is how to become healthy, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You may have to change a few personal things and schedules around the house a bit to accommodate your boundaries, but this is how you protect yourself from the insidious disease of alcoholism. All the boundaries I suggest are always detaching from the alcoholic in a loving way.

Don’t be around the alcoholic when they are drinking. Does this sound difficult to do. Well it isn’t if you have your own bedroom, or other room, with a television, desk, phone, cell phone, laptop, etc. Be prepared to leave any room the alcoholic is drinking in. When the alcoholic asks you why you are leaving the room, let them know the truth; you are powerless to control their behavior and you do not want to be around them while they are drinking; it’s as simple as that. You are taking care of you!

Don’t argue, plead, or yell at the alcoholic no matter how difficult it gets. This is what the alcoholic wants you to do. If you argue, fuss and fight, it takes the focus off of them and their drinking and on to you. See how that works? This is how the alcoholic drives you into the disease with them. Every time you try and control the alcoholic through words or argument, you actually lose the battle; they won! You stay in control by staying silent. You are in control when the alcoholic wants you to argue with them, but you walk away instead. This is taking care of you!

Don’t give the alcoholic money, booze, or pay their bills. By doing these things it will only enable them to continue drinking and also enable their irresponsibility to the household. If they pay part, or all of a utility that will get shut off if it is not paid, then of course pay it, but keep all receipts so they can pay you back. Let them know you are not taking over their financial responsibilities, but you certainly can’t live without heat or water.

Don’t have sex with a drinking alcoholic. You do not have to have sex with sloppy, booze smelling person, even if it is your spouse? By giving into the drinking alcoholic sexually, you are allowing yourself to be abused in a way that will cause much animosity and resentment later on down the road. Let them know when they are sober they can come to you for sex. And don’t have sex with a cheating alcoholic. This is a no-brainer. Do you want to catch the latest rash of venereal diseases? Set your boundaries.

Remember that setting boundaries for you is not a threat or a way to control the alcoholic. On the contrary, your boundaries have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you! The alcoholic may not like your new attitude and that is why you explain to them why you have set boundaries. Explain to them that you will not be around an argumentative or abusive alcoholic, but when they are sober, you would love to talk with them. Tell them, “I Love you, but I don’t love the disease.”

For those of you with children, it is your responsibility to talk with your children about the parent with the alcohol addiction. They also need to detach from the drinking alcoholic for their spiritual and mental well-being. They desperately need to know it is not their fault that their mom or dad drinks. Let them know they are still loved by the alcoholic even if they get angry with them.

Search out God for your life in everything that you do. You will need the help of God for the strength, hope and faith to carry out with your boundaries. The minute you stop relying on God is when you will be tempted to give in and allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit. Don’t let that happen!

“Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change, (ourselves)”
Quoted from the AL-ANON book.

The bottom line is you set a boundary to define your area, to protect your space - physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. You set the boundary because it is what you need to do for your self. The great aspect about this whole boundary thing is you will be helping the alcoholic to look at himself for a change and actually see that he does have a drinking problem and he needs to deal with it accordingly.

Seven Principles For An Addictive Free Life

1. Bring Past Out Into The Open

Talk about your past with your counselors or trusted friends. The goal is to rid your past from your spiritual bank by forgiving all the people you need to forgive. It is also important to forgive yourself! If you have a difficult time forgiving, express yourself on paper and then mail it to them. Give up your past by not hanging on to it any longer. You can be free of your negative past for good when you just let “it” go.

2. Treat Yourself With Love and Kindness

You don’t have to beat yourself up every night, for whatever reason you might try to do that. You have to treat yourself good. Addiction does not make you a bad person – addiction in itself is bad, period! There is a beautiful person behind the addiction that needs and wants to break free from its hold – let yourself free. Breaking free deserves loving the person you are. Because you love who you are and care about the person God created you to be, you can break free from addiction and live a productive, healthy, and happy life.

3. Take Control of Your Addiction

Don’t let addiction take control of your life any longer. The minute you allow drugs to control your life you have allowed the addiction to get the upper edge – Stay in control by being in control. The only way to really be in control is to break free from the hurts and pains of the past and let the crutch of drugs and or alcohol escape from your life! You can do it! I have witnessed so many people throw off the slavery of drugs and become positive, happy people. I am one of those people.

4. Detach From Negative Relationships

If someone you know is interfering with your sobriety you have to detach. This means even family and close friends. We cannot and should not allow other people’s negativity or bad attitude to rub off on us. Essentially, when those we are in relationships with harm us with words, or with a bad attitude, they are trespassing against our Spirit, and we can’t have that – it is very detrimental to our emotional and spiritual wellbeing. It is our spiritual self that keeps us alive in God and when others cross our spiritual boundaries we must detach with Love.

5. Get Healthy!

One of the first things my mom did for me when I got sober was to encourage me to get involved in an aerobics’ class. It was pretty rough the first week, but after that I begin to feel so much better. The healthier we are, the less likely we are to crave drugs and or alcohol. I cannot stress enough about getting on a good healthy eating program using whole fresh foods. Once you begin eating healthy it’s perfectly ok to indulge once in awhile with your favorite chips, candy bar or ice-cream. And what about physical activity? I believe that everyone, even the younger generation should get out there and start walking every single day. Work yourself up to brisk walking -- it is a great cardiovascular activity.

6. Enjoy Nature

Get outside and listen to the birds chirping, the trees blowing, and the hot sunshine on your face. We tend to take these beautiful creations of God for granted, but God made nature for our enjoyment and fun. Grab a friend and go hiking, fishing, or camping. Take your newly sober spouse to the mountains and go skiing, sledding, or maybe just for a bit of romance. Whatever it is you decide to do, make sure it is with the beautiful outdoors among the animals and scenic beauties that God has blessed us with. Have fun! Nature is ours to enjoy.

7. Help Others With Addiction

Your encouraging words and actions are a Godsend to those who are in the throngs of addiction or in recovery. Think about what one piece of wisdom or advice that you could encourage others with that helped you in your recovery? Be a supportive link for others and it will help them as well as aid you in your own sobriety.

What one piece of wisdom can I give to others about getting sober and staying sober?

Never give up! The minute you say you will never get sober, you have talked yourself out of getting sober. You must set it in your mind that you WILL get sober and stay sober because you CAN.

Panic Attacks and Addiction

Have you ever felt panicky and afraid? Your breathing becomes erratic and your heart beats in flutters and moves about wildly in your chest. It feels like you might be having a heart attack. It's probably not a heart attack, but a panic attack. You can tell the difference. During a real heart attack, the primary symptom is a crushing sensation inside the chest that causes a person to double up in pain. Panic attacks do not hurt physically. During a panic attack, the heart beats rapidly and you may even be able to hear your own heartbeat.

Panic attacks are scary because you don't know what is going on with your body. I know a little bit about panic attacks because I used to get them periodically. The first time I ever had a panic attack, my dad called an ambulance because he thought I was having a stroke or heart attack. Panic attacks are not a serious health threat, and they have nothing to do with the health of your heart.

Some people may not get full-blown panic attacks, but might feel anxious, nervous or fearful instead. The good news is, panic attacks can be completely eliminated from your life for good by getting to the bottom of why you may feel panicky and or anxious in the first place. Panic attacks are only a symptom of something going awry with your emotions and, or physical health.
Addiction of any kind can cause anxiety and fear in us. So can feelings of guilt and shame. Not eating a good daily diet, and having low blood sugar can also cause nervousness and anxiety. Certain medications can cause panic and fear in us too. Heavy-laden emotions can make us feel nervous, fearful and anxious as well.

The good news is, we do not have to let our feelings control our mind and body. We can humbly pray about it, asking God to help rid us of our negative and destructive feelings that might be making us feel fearful and anxious. We can trust in God with all of our heart and mind, and He will take care of us.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)

If it is guilt that is causing you to feel anxious and fearful, maybe you just need to stop doing something you know in your heart to be wrong, or stop behaving a certain way. Many things can make a person feel guilty. To overcome this destructive emotion, you should really try and get to the bottom of what might be making you feel bad. Ask God to help you rid your mind of these unwanted feelings.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)
If addiction is causing you to feel anxious or guilty, then again, you need to believe with all of your heart and mind that God can rid you of the controlling forces of alcoholism and drug addiction. When we pray we really need to be sincere by praying in a genuine selfless way, asking God to deliver us from the depths of addiction because we truly want to quit in the addiction and are committed to God.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV)

This is the great and awesome works of our Lord and Savior! If you truly want to be free from panic attacks and other fearful feelings, God will take them from you forever! You will become a new person in Jesus Christ. You do not have to be a slave to your emotions any longer. Give them to God and He will take care of you.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified' do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9 NIV)

Alcohol and the Bible: New Expanded Version

Alcohol and the Bible: New Expanded Version "The saloon is a liar. It promises good cheer and sends sorrow. It promises prosperity and sends adversity. It promises happiness and sends misery.... It is God's worst enemy and the devil's best friend." -Billy Sunday ¹ When I was sixteen years old, I received the tragic news that a certain member of my family, to whom I was very close, was dying of alcohol-induced liver cancer. I vividly remember visiting him in the hospital, not prepared for what I would see when I walked into the room. What was once a big, robust man was now essentially a skeleton covered with ghostly, pale skin, barely able to speak. I had only been a Christian for a few months. Even before I came to Christ, I never was much of a drinker, mainly because I just didn't like the way it tasted. However, when I saw what years of drinking had done to my above mentioned relative, my decision never to touch alcohol was set in stone. As I studied the Scriptures over the years, I learned that I had made the right choice. The issue of alcohol has always been a controversial one within the Christian community. Did Jesus make, or advocate the use of, intoxicating wine? Is having an occasional drink really that big of a deal? These are certainly valid questions that committed Christians have asked over the years. In looking at the overall teaching of the Bible, as well as observations made in my own life over the years, I firmly believe that total abstinence is by far the best policy. I am not a prude, nor is this message intended to be legalistic or condemning. On the contrary, I want to share a truth with you that is very liberating. God's Word has been compared to a map showing us where the "land mines" in life are. Beverage alcohol is one of those land mines. BIBLICAL USE OF THE WORD "WINE"; It is important to remember that in Bible days, the word "juice" was not widely used. It only occurs once in the entire Bible (Song of Solomon 8:2.) Wine was a general term for any grape juice product-even when it was still in the grape clusters (Isaiah 65:8.) Even in pre-prohibition America, nonalcoholic grape juice was often referred to as "grape wine." Their are nine Hebrew, and four Greek words translated "wine" in the Bible (to study this further,see William Patton's classic book "Bible Wines or Laws of Fermentation and Wines of the Ancients.") Generally, it is easy to see from the context of individual Scriptures which form of wine is being referred to. For example, in the Book of Proverbs, alcoholic wine is referred to as a mocker and a deceiver that leads to violence (20:1-2), poverty (23:21), sorrow (23:29-30,) immorality(23:33,) insecurity (23:34,) insensibility (23:35,) and is even compared to a poisonous snake! (23:32) On the other hand, abstinence from wine and other intoxicants is presented as a great virtue. God honored Daniel for refusing the King's wine (Daniel 1:5, 8, 16; 10:3.) John the Baptist's greatness in the eyes of God was directly linked to the fact that he drank no wine or strong drink (Luke 1:15.) Even as He was dying, Jesus refused the wine that was offered Him to deaden His pain (Mark 15: 23.) In Ephesians 5:18, we are told to "be not drunk with wine...but be filled with the Spirit." Note the contrast: Being drunk with wine is in total opposition to being filled with the Spirit. If we look at the most strictly literal translation of this verse, it reads "Be not entering into the act of being drunk with wine, but be continually entering into the process of being filled with the Spirit."The context of the verse goes deeper than just "Don't get drunk." It is telling us not to even enter into the act of drinking intoxicants. JESUS AND WINE What then, about the wine that Jesus made at the marriage feast? Was it alcoholic?The Greek word used here is "oinos," a variation of the Hebrew word "yayin."This word can refer to grape juice in any stage, either fermented,or unfermented. Regardless of your opinion of casual drinking, I'm sure most of you will agree that drunkenness is definitely a sin. In light of this, would Jesus contribute to drunkenness? At the time Jesus had arrived at the feast, the guests had "well drunk"of whatever they were drinking (V.10.) Jesus knew well the solemn warnings of Habakkuk 2:15,"Woe to him who gives his neighbor intoxicating drink." (Note: If it is a sin to put alcohol to our neighbor's lips, would it not also be a sin to put it to our own?) With this in mind, we can be sure that the beverage Jesus made was a refreshing, nonalcoholic grape drink. To do otherwise would have been totally incompatible with His nature. ALCOHOLISM AND ADDICTION We often hear the term "alcohol and drugs." This is a false distinction, because alcohol IS a drug. It is one of the most abused narcotics in the world. I have personally witnessed, and many of you have as well, how strong the addictive bondage of alcohol can be. I have known a number of people whose lives were shattered by alcoholism. I have often wondered how much different their lives might have been if they had just said "no" to that first drink. No "social drinker" thinks that they can become an alcoholic, just like no one who casually experiments with cocaine, heroine, or other drugs thinks about the possibility of becoming an addict. The old adage about an ounce of prevention certainly holds true here. It is far better to stop a problem before it starts, wouldn't you say? God does not want us in bondage to ANYTHING, whether it be alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or any other vice (1 Corinthians 3 :17; 9: 27; 1 Thessalonians 4:4.) As a teenager, I heard a simple, but profound statement that has always stuck with me: No one ever became an alcoholic, who didn't take the first drink. THE IMPORTANCE OF EXAMPLE In my experience in doing personal evangelism, I have made the observation that the fact that there are Christians who drink is a major excuse many alcoholics hide behind. God calls us to be salt and light to the world that we live in (Matthew 5: 13-14) and to avoid conduct that could cause others to stumble (Romans 14:21.) I was once discussing this with an elderly Chritian gentleman who brought up a very good point. He said "One beer might not send me to hell, but it could lead ten people there who saw me, and followed my example." To quote Gleason Archer; "If we really care about the souls of men, and if we are really in business for Christ, rather than for ourselves, then there seems to be no alternative to total abstinence-not as a matter of legalism, but rather as a matter of love.²" Friend, this issue is a very serious one. In light of Jesus' soon return, we are called to live holy and sober lives (Luke 12:45-46; 1 Thessalonians 5: 7-8.) Those who indulge in drunkenness will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven (1 Corinthians 6: 10; Galatians 5: 21,) so in sharing the Gospel with others, it is vitally important to warn them against the dangers of alcohol. God doesn't call us to abstain from alcohol because He is trying to take away our enjoyment of life. Quite the opposite is true. God loves us, and knows what it takes to truly make us happy (see Jeremiah 29;11, John 10:10.) Alcohol is counterproductive to the abundant life that Jesus came to bring us. He knows the devastating impact alcohol has on countless people. He sees the jobs lost, the families shattered, and the lives destroyed by alcohol, and He wants to protect us from these things. He has a plan for your life that is far greater than any bottle of alcohol could ever possibly give. If you have never given your life to Jesus, why not do it now? © 1999 JHB WORKS CITED: ¹ John R. Rice, ed, "The Best of Billy Sunday" (Murfreesboro, Tennessee, Sword of the Lord Publishing, 1965, page 76. Quoted in Jack Van Impe's "Alcohol: The Beloved Enemy" 1980, Jack Van Impe Crusades, Royal Oak, Michigan, page 85 ² Gleason Archer "Encyclopedia of Bible Difficulties, 1982, the Zondervan Corporation, Grand Rapids, Michigan, page 149 ================================================== Visit us on the web: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Woods/8255 Join us in Renewal Chat: http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Woods/8255/renewal.html

What Happens If I Relapse?

You have not failed because you relapse. You are normal because you relapse. We all have relapsed when trying to find our way out of the alcohol and drug trap. Never allow a relapse to discourage you from coming to sobriety. As a matter of fact, when we succumb to our addictions we can actually learn from them. Most of us fall back on our addictions for many reasons and here are three of those reasons. See if they ring a chord with you as well.

Not Committed

The first reason is because we just weren’t ready in our heart to stop the addiction – we felt anxious and fearful being without our best friend, and so our uncommitted heart caved in under pressure. We have all done it. Think of addiction as a “hard to break bad habit.” But don’t fret too much over it. Just because you’re not ready to quit now, certainly does not mean that you won’t be committed later. Keep trying and don’t give up!

Have you ever listened to the little voice in your head telling you that your addiction is ok? You know the voice – the reliable little guy that keeps telling you reasons why it’s okay to keep feeding your addiction. It goes something like this. “I’m not really addicted, I can stop at anytime” or about this one. “If I was not married to so and so, I would not need to drink anymore.” We have all heard this one. “My life is just too stressful and I only need it to unwind.” We hear the voice and we listen because the voice is a symptom of addiction.

Same Friends – Same Places

Now I am sure you have all heard the old adage, “birds of a feather flock together”, right? Well, it is very true! We relapse because we have not changed our friendships and lifestyle. But a newly sober addict cannot be around the same people or places they were in before – it’s like driving with a blindfold on, hoping you can stay in your own lane. Whewy! Life comes at you fast when we aren’t taking the needed precautions that we ought to.

Lack of Supportive Friendships or Collaboration

It is difficult to be alone and remain sober. We all need friendships, especially encouraging ones that we can go to when we are feeling down. It is never a good idea to be in negative relationships when trying to overcome our addictions. We need to choose friends that are REAL friends – they hang in there with you when the going gets tough and they help you get tougher. These kinds of birds are harder to find, but if you hang out in the same places as these birds you’ll find some great friends.

“You'd be surprised how much fun you can have sober. When you get the hang of it”. - Joe (Jack Lemmon) in Days of Wine and Roses, 1962