Monday, June 18, 2012

Using our Feelings to do Good With

This morning I woke up thinking about all the married people in the world who are living with an alcoholic and suffering greatly over it and something became aware to me that I never thought of before. I get some of my best awareness moments first thing in the morning when my mind is fresh and clear. 

Well, this morning I got to thinking that some people might be apprehensive to detach, and for many reasons. Perhaps they are afraid that if they detach their spouse will leave them; or maybe they are in fear to detach because of what the alcoholic may do to them; or perhaps they aren’t ready to take that leap of faith to detach because of the unknown consequences. Perhaps there are even more reasons. 

The point is these are normal feelings to have. I never thought about this before, that there are people who are apprehensive about detaching, until this morning and I’m thinking about updating the Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse eBook with some encouraging biblical wisdom to help people understand that, it’s ok to emotionally detach yourself from that which is hurting you”.
We know that detaching emotionally from the alcoholic works, not only is it proven to work and is something that is so very helpful to you and the alcoholic, but it is biblical. Part of learning to detach is being able to forgive, and turning the other cheek, both of which are positive character traits taught to us through God’s Word. 

Emotional detachment from the alcoholic is the best remedy for dealing with an abusive alcoholic and that is why we wrote the book “Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse”. Detaching begins the healing process for the spouse who is married to the alcoholic which as a result, gets the alcoholic to have to take responsibility for his or her drinking problem. 

It’s Ok to Emotionally Detach Yourself from that which is Hurting You

After all no one is made of steel, God gave us feelings so we could understand how to use those feelings appropriately with the people we interact with in life. He gave us His Wisdom and now we just have to apply His wisdom into our relationships. It begins with forgiveness, patience, turning the other cheek…

Think of detaching like this: Detaching is not being accepting of the alcoholic’s behavior, detaching is simply not allowing yourself to be a part of the alcoholic’s behavior. See the difference? You need to take care of you. 

God explains to us that we are to “Turn the Other Cheek”

But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Matthew 5:39

What is Jesus asking us to do here? Is He really telling us to allow ourselves to be browbeaten and mentally and emotionally abused by the alcoholic we are married to?
Not exactly, but…

He is asking us to “suffer patiently” rather than “retaliate with our emotions”. 

God teaches us how to use our feelings for the GOOD rather than for the bad.
What happens when you detach from that which is hurting you?
When you learn to emotionally detach it not only helps you but it also helps the alcoholic. Yelling, screaming and name-calling back (emotional retaliation) does not make the alcoholic look at himself and his problem, but rather look at you and what a mess you are. Christ says, “Turn to him the other also”. This just means “walk away” rather than “seek revenge” or “retaliate” or “get a divorce”, or “treat badly”, or…

“Turn to him the other also” does not mean to stand there and take the abuse but it does mean not to seek vengeance through how you react and behave towards the alcoholic. Turn to him the other also is what detaching is all about. You see, God knew that tuning the other cheek (detachment) shows the abusive one (alcoholic or other) that THEY are the ones that in fact DO have a problem; not you, the person they are married to. It makes them have to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. 

When you detach you are releasing yourself from the problem! Essentially you are giving the alcoholic their problem (then they have to take responsibility) and when the alcoholic realizes this is when he or she can finally come out of denial, which is the first step towards healing. You’re not responsible for the alcoholic, even if you are married to them. You can’t control what an alcoholic does or doesn’t do while they are drinking. So shed yourself of that responsibility and detach from that aspect of the addiction. The ebook on detachment goes into much more detail on this.
Turning the other cheek or detaching is using your feelings for the good! This is the way God intended for us to use our emotions. Now, let’s go back to what we were talking about in the beginning about being apprehensive to detach. 

Sometimes when we do something new, not in our normal way of behaving it can be intimidating because we do not know what to expect. This is because we are so used to using our feelings as a defense mechanism. We feel a certain way and then use those feelings as a way to guard ourselves and to, well, retaliate or be abusive with those who are abusive with us. 

The problem with that is the alcoholic does not know how we are feeling and why we are retaliating; they just see us as having a problem, especially if we are blaming them, accusing them, calling them names, yelling and screaming, and even enabling them to drink. All of these things from you shows the alcoholic that YOU have a problem and it takes him or her off their problem, the drinking problem. Do you get it? It is time to come out of the trap of alcoholism!

You Must Put Your Faith with God, Not in Your Feelings

Well, these are the times to remember that you are not alone! You must put your faith and trust with Jesus Christ. He knows what you are going through. Reading Psalms gives us a reminder of this. God has shown us that He is our Protector and Provider, no matter what we are going through. 

For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard. Psalm 22:24
The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm 18:2

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me: you shall stretch forth your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand shall save me. Psalm 138:7

When you first stop retaliating back with your negative feelings and actually detach it will take the alcoholic off guard. They’re use to you name-calling, or screaming and yelling, not walking away. They may not like it because it is so foreign to them that it intimidates them. 

Turning the other cheek or detaching, whichever you want to call it, can be difficult to do, at first, because it is not your normal way of behaving, but after a while you will begin to feel a sense of peace and contentment come over you that you never experienced before when living with the alcoholic. 

Your healing has begun: This is because you realize that you don’t have to be a part of the addiction but only a person on the sidelines or a person for moral support to the alcoholic, if they ask for it. 

Only when you stop taking responsibility or when you stop reacting with your negative feelings will you understand your role in being married to an alcoholic. You love the alcoholic but hate the addiction. Ask God for discernment to know the difference between the two, and reading eBook “How to Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse” will be one of your greatest ammunition sources, besides the bible, when dealing with an alcoholic and wanting to learn how to detach and applying loving detachment into your marriage and life. 

Your role is not to retaliate or defend yourself but to simply be a loving spouse on the sidelines, who will not take responsibility for the drinker, and who will not help the drinker to drink, and who will not allow the drinker to think YOU are the one with the problem. Once you have rescued you from the addiction the alcoholic is then burdened with the responsibility of the problem instead of you. You see how that works?
How Do I Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse – shows you how to detach from the alcoholic and get your life back!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Getting Sober for Good!

Someone asked us if we recommend an “inpatient alcoholism treatment program” or an outpatient treatment program. I had to let her know, “neither”.

Our ministry does not believe in humanistic treatment healing centers. GOD is BIGGER than LIFE itself, so then how much more can HE rid our bodies of sickness?! We are a living testimony of the GREATNESS of our SAVIOR!

HE is the (our) ALPHA and OMEGA!
Without God we are NOTHING!

Then I went on to explain the disgusting and wretched mess I was in when I was still drinking. It was the only time in my life where I contemplated whether or not life was worth living—this is how bad off I was. I hated myself! The only reason “why” I was not a skid row bum or dead is because I had a few alcoholic friends that kept me off the streets.

Today, that woman is dead! Today, and for the last 19 years that woman is no longer with us…the new and improved Angie stands before you today because of the love of Jesus Christ. That’s it…nothing else keeps me alive but God, my Father who is with me right this minute and helping me to write this marriage column. (It is difficult bringing up my past, but God has shown me that it is what helps and encourages others the best—testimony).

Grace is a gift that needs to be accepted by us; another chance to turn our lives around and become a child of God rather than of the world. God rescued me from the depths of alcoholic hell!! That is what grace is. Grace teaches us that there is a whole different attitude and perspective about how we view the world around us and how we live our lives. When we are living in grace we see things differently in that we KNOW and REALIZE that nothing man has created can save us or heal our soul and make us whole people!! If our FAITH is still with man than we have not accepted the gift of grace yet!

Grace does not mean we can remain in our sins and we’re saved. God’s grace means today we can faithfully and sincerely get down on our knees and ask Him to take away our sicknesses and be with Him now!! It takes humbleness not words. It takes sincerity not lip serving. God does not care about ANYTHING we have to say, except for “HEAL ME!” and “I AM READY to FOLLOW YOU”! And if you say those words, you’d better be ready to just do it!!

There is no waiting to be with God…God wants us to come to Him now and HE WILL TAKE AWAY ALL SICKNESS and Disease WE ARE CARRYING AROUND WITH US, whatever it is. God lives in us and keeps us whole and alive as long as we continue to faithfully follow Him and the Path He has set out for us according to His Holy Word and Loving Presence within us! This is GRACE!
I then explained to the woman that there is no alcoholic treatment center or psychologist IN THIS WORLD that can actually HEAL a person’s soul—this is God’s job!

Send this to your loved one today!

How You Can Get Sober and Stay Sober For Good

Have you ever tried to quit drinking only to go back to it again and again? When you get sober are you getting sober for you or for someone else? It is my firm belief that the alcoholic must “want” to stop drinking and get their life back together for themselves BEFORE true sobriety will ever happen. When we are not convicted in our heart and mind to give up the addiction for ourselves we will have a difficult time staying sober.

Let me tell you a little bit about my situation when I first quit drinking and then you can decide for yourself. When I first got sober, about 16-years ago, I did it for my husband. I thought I wanted to quit so I could save my marriage, but I realized later, when reality hit, that I really didn’t want to quit drinking, but only wanted to appease husband and extended family.

I went into a rehab facility for 3-days and then went to a few Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but because I was not getting sober for myself, sobriety only lasted a few weeks. I kept telling myself “reasons” why I could drink. Some of these reasons were really ridiculous but my mind was coming from an alcoholic perspective. The mind of an alcoholic does not “see” nor “understand” the depth of reality around them.

If the alcoholic is still in denial that they have a drinking problem, or if they are not ready to quit, or if they try and quit for someone else rather than for themselves, they will NOT be able to stay sober for any amount of time. If the alcoholic really wants to quit, they will through the power of God in their life. Only our Creator can save us from ourselves and free us from the wretchedness of this world.

I give thanks to God every day for giving me my life back! And I continually praise Him for making me whole in Jesus Christ! We can go to rehab, AA, counseling and our family can plead and beg for us to quit and threaten to leave us, but unless we’re convicted in our heart to quit because “we” want to quit it just won’t happen.

Ah, yes, there are sober alcoholics walking around in society, but are they truly happy with their life? Are they truly free from the symptoms of an addictive mind?

God created us and He continues to breathe life into us, but some of us, especially those who are trapped within addiction are blowing God’s breath of life right back out—they have not yet accepted Christ—they are in bondage to addiction. The truth is we can walk this journey in life, stumbling around in the dark, hitting ourselves over the head in the process, or we can give up what is holding us back from God’s love for us.

We can humble our proud ways, and our wretched lives to Christ and begin to be the person that God intended for us to be—the person God intended for us to become in Him!!
I’m a living, breathing testimony of God breathing life into me…if I didn’t have life I wouldn’t be able to give you this encouragement today. But God gave me back my life and He wants me to let you know there is a better way—His way!

Don’t waste another minute of your day, covering up your pain, your troubles, your past and your grief with alcohol. Give those things to Jesus and He will take care of your needs. But you have to trust Him. God knows your pain—He is knocking at your door, but you have to answer the door and invite Him in. No more lip-serving. Invite Him in and FOLLOW the Path WHERE HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU.

God will give you peace and contentment…He says He will and I trust everything God says as true! Put your trust and faith in Him…today! God is amazingly Awesome!

And he went throughout all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction among the people. Mathew 4:23

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. James 5:14-15

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. Peter 2:24

In Jesus Christ,
Frank and Angie
Book Resources
The Alcoholism Trap – Encouragement for the alcoholic and loved One of an Alcoholic
Journey on the Roads Less Traveled – Angie’s personal testimony of accepting Jesus Christ and Getting Sober for Good!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

How To Talk To Your Alcoholic Husband About Sexual Intimacy

Are you married to an alcoholic and feel taken advantage of in the bedroom? Some wives are letting us know they are offended and disgusted by their sloppy drunk husband during sexual intimacy. Many wives do not want to divorce their husbands but rather want to work on healthy detachment instead. So if you are trying to detach but need to talk to your husband about this important issue then read on to learn when is the best time to talk to your husband and what to say to him.

This is a sensitive subject, and one in which most wives of alcoholic husbands do not want to discuss with their husbands. Most wives of alcoholics report to us that they almost never enjoy sex or intimacy with their husbands after they have been drinking. Sadly, your husband is not really “there in the moment” when he is drunk and consequently lack of intimacy becomes a problem when married to an alcoholic. This is a sad situation, but a reality when married to an alcoholic, especially one who is in the later stages of alcoholism.

It’s ok to talk with your husband about this issue, but be ready for disappointment if he can’t keep his promise to you. Even though you let him know “how you feel” and they make promises to you of not drinking before having sex, they may break that promise. If they could keep promises they make to you then drinking would not be a problem for them. But the reason they break their promises is because alcohol is a problem for them!! So be prepared in case the alcoholic drinks and can’t keep his promise; that’s all we’re saying.

When you talk to the alcoholic about this issue make sure he is sober. Don’t make him “promise” that he won’t drink before you make love, but tell them to at least “try” to work on not drinking before lovemaking. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed to talk with your husband about this issue because sexual intimacy is a BIG part of marriage and one that truly needs to be communicated if there are problems. Just think, if you don’t tell him he will never know how you feel. Be open and honest. Don’t nag or complain but just tell him how you feel. Express yourself nicely and assertively. Be sensitive to your husband’s feelings too. Don’t say anything offensive that will make him want to start arguing.

Let him know that when he drinks too much and wants to make love that it is a turn off for you because of their sloppiness and selfishness. Let him know you love him and want to feel close and intimate with him but can’t because he is too intoxicated and only wanting to gratify his own needs. Then explain to him that you would like to set aside two days a week when you can be together sexually, when he has not been drinking, not even one drink. For some couples early in the morning before getting up works well. Agree upon the days and the times together.

And remember, you aren’t telling him he can’t drink, you are simply letting him know that you need and want him sober for one or two hours on those two days a week that you both agree upon. Understand that you will have to do this if you want things to change in the bedroom. Always remember don’t expect much and that way you won’t be disappointed.

If you are the alcoholic reading this article then please bear in mind that when you have sex with your wife when you are drunk, you are most likely turning your wife away from you in disgust because of your sloppiness and self-seeking behavior. This will cause resentment and you don’t want that. It would be to your advantage to accommodate your wife sexually and emotionally and to have sex with her when you are sober. Even an alcoholic can control when they drink if they set their mind to it. Your wife is not asking for too much from you, so you should work with her on this.

Married To An alcoholic: Invasion of the Body Snatchers –Must watch video!!

How To Detach From An Alcoholic eBook: Heaven Ministries Marriage Healing Ministry:

Monday, January 24, 2011

How Do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse?

Order all 4 ebooks for one great price Here:
How Do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse

We have included in How to Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse tips on helping the alcoholic to sobriety and more ways to cope when married to and living with an alcoholic, plus, how to set boundaries that give you back your life. How Do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse is packed full of excellent information that will help you to break away from the addiction and to begin to live your life for YOU, plus help the alcoholic at the same time!

Detach With Love

Are you living with a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde? Do you wake up in the morning and wish you didn't have to start the day with an abusive alcoholic? Are you riding on an addictive roller coaster ride with the alcoholic you married? Do you often feel afraid and depressed because you don't know how the alcoholic is going to behave? Are you emotionally and mentally drained because of the behaviors and abuses of the alcoholic in your life? Well, it's time to break free! It's time to get off the roller coaster ride and rescue yourself from the behaviors of the alcoholic you live with and love.

Rescue Yourself From the Traps of Alcoholism

We hope that you make good use of our healing materials that we have carefully put together by putting the strategies and guidance to work in your personal life and marriage. It is very possible to learn to live with and love the alcoholic in your life, without "it" making YOU go crazy. Don't let addiction steal another minute of your day!

Help Your Spouse get Sober!

Do you want to help your spouse get sober? Than stop trying to control every aspect of the addiction. Only when you stop trying to fix your spouse and take care of YOU can you be a valuable help to the alcoholic. Do you often feel like you are drowning with the alcoholic? Do you feel sad, panicky, depressed, stressed out, helpless, and emotionally and spiritually sick? Don’t go under with the alcoholic, swim quickly back to the shore! This eBook shows you what you need to do to rescue YOU from the traps of alcoholism!

Don't be the Victim Any Longer

Addiction is so cunning that the alcoholic can manipulate their way into your emotions in such a way to make you believe you are the victim instead of them! Cut the rope! Tough love is all about cutting the rope between you and the alcoholic. Married couples are and always will be attached because God created them as “one flesh” in marriage, but you don’t have to be attached to the symptoms of alcoholism. You must help your self first before you can help the alcoholic.

We hope that you make good use of our healing materials that we have carefully put together by putting the strategies and guidance to work in your personal life and marriage. It is very possible to learn to live with and love the alcoholic in your life, without "it" making YOU go crazy. Don't let addiction steal another minute of your day!

Is Divorce the Answer When Married to an Alcoholic?

Is divorce the answer to ending the frustration and suffering of living with an alcoholic spouse? When we are going through suffering in our marriage, divorce almost always seems like the light at the end of the tunnel, but it isn't always as bright as we think. It is God's will that we take the good times of our marriage along with the bad. Together couples can conquer addiction by working on self-healing and being supportive of each other. This ebook expresses God's will for couples in marriage who are going through the sufferings and pains of addiction. We know its never easy, but putting the solutions we advise in our ebook will make living with, and loving an alcoholic, easier for the whole family. We know because we've been there.

Alcoholism is a Family Affair

Jumping the hurdle of being married to an alcoholic may seem very difficult to do, because it is, but overcoming through your own personal growth will make you stronger and wiser person because of your willingness to conquer adversity in your personal life and marriage. You can overcome! We've done it and many other spouses of alcoholics have done it too. This is why we wrote these give you step by step instructions on how to live with and love the alcoholic in your life. How to Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse is your arsenal to survival.

Bonus Ebook: Get Sober and Be Happy at the Same Time!

Do you want to get sober? Are you tired of abusing your loved ones with mean and angry words? Are you tired of being trapped within the confounds of addiction? Do you often feel guilty and hate yourself for the things you do and say when drinking? Have you tried to stop drinking but can't or relapsed? Are you serious about getting healthy in mind and spirit? If you answered "yes" to these questions then I believe YOU ARE ready to get sober for good! Addiction is a hurdle in your life that you can conquer!

Getting Sober for Good is Total Sobriety

Getting sober for good is what we know to be TOTAL sobriety, which is healthy in mind, body and spirit. The author knows your pain and suffering first hand. She's been there and done that already. She got out of the trap of alcoholism and so can you! Heaven Ministries has put together the nuts and bolts of healing from all the aspects of alcoholism, based on personal experience and from counseling couples on addiction over the past ten years.

Escape From the Trap of Alcoholism

We hope that you make good use of our healing materials that we have carefully put together by putting the strategies and guidance to work in your personal life and marriage. It is very possible to learn to live with and love the alcoholic in your life, without "it" making YOU go crazy. Don't let addiction steal another minute of your day!

Order all 4 books on alcoholism and help yourself today!

4 ebooks: How do I Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse. Instant Download

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

How to Talk Your Spouse About His or Her Drinking Problem

How to Talk to Your Spouse About His or Her Drinking Problem

What do you say when you talk to your spouse about their drinking? Do you lecture them about their drinking? Do you threaten them with divorce if they don’t stop drinking? Do you call them names and accuse them of wrongdoing? This is our emotions talking for us. Spouses of alcoholics are usually emotionally distraught over the behaviors of the alcoholic and because of this they may end up being a detriment to the sobriety of the alcoholic. This is why we must learn to detach emotionally from the alcoholic.

Are You Too Emotionally Consumed with the Alcoholic?

No one can make someone else stop drinking, not even a loved one. The only person who can truly help the alcoholic to stop drinking is the drinker himself. But you can influence them to come out of denial and recognize they have a drinking problem. But there is a certain way you have to talk to them and behave around them. If you are feeling mentally drained and frustrated over the behaviors of the alcoholic you won’t be much help to them.

Ironically, once a loved one learns to detach from the behaviors of the alcoholic and starts taking care of their emotional and spiritual well being is when the alcoholic realizes they have a drinking problem. You see, when a loved one is too emotionally consumed with the alcoholic and their negative behaviors it keeps the alcoholic stuck in the addiction. This is because they don’t have to take responsibility for it if you are already doing it for them.

Are You an Enabler?

The alcoholic loves all the negative attention you give them such as the fussing over them when they drink, arguing to them about their drinking, babying them by putting them to bed, cleaning up messes they make while drinking, paying their fines, and not to mention giving them money for alcohol. What is left for them to do? Loved ones enable and they don’t even know it! Enabling is synonymous with taking responsibility when it comes to being married to an alcoholic.

The alcoholic loves it when you become frustrated and lose your emotions in bouts of anger at them. It tells them that YOU are the one with the problem, not them. Anytime you fuss, argue, threaten, belittle, become angry over, and finger-point and accuse the alcoholic, you are giving them the ammunition they need to say you are the one with the problem. But you don’t even drink, so how could you be the one with the problem?

Let me explain this in an example so you will get an idea of what I’m saying here. Have you ever gotten all riled up with your child and threatened them with punishment if they didn’t do something, or have you ever screamed and yelled for them to clean up their room? What usually happens? They become rebellious! They scream and yell back, stomp feet, and talk back. That’s because screaming, yelling and threatening does not work. These tactics have never worked with our children and they will never work with the alcoholic either.

So, now that you know how not to talk to your alcoholic spouse, lets talk about how you should talk to them. NEVER talk to a drinking alcoholic because you are wasting your time. When they are NOT drinking tell them these things.

What to Say to the Alcoholic

1) I love you (spouses name) but I hate the disease.
2) I will stand by you when you want to quit but I will not stand by you when you drink.
3) I like talking with you when you are sober, but I hate talking with you when you drink.
4) I love being with you as long as you are not drinking, but when you start to drink, I can’t be around you.
5) I love the man/woman I married but I do not like what the drinking does to you.

Be loving and kind and give lots of good attention when your spouse is not drinking. Always let them know that you will be supportive of then when they are ready to work towards sobriety. But when they are drinking, let the alcoholic be. Do not talk to them. Detach with love. Get on with your day doing whatever it is you do and allow yourself to completely be freed of what the alcoholic is doing.

You’re not responsible for the alcoholic, so stop taking responsibility for the alcoholic. Without using an angry tone, or threatening or accusing speech, let the alcoholic know that when they drink you will not interact with them and you would like some consideration from them to recognize this boundary of yours. And that’s it. In fact, you don’t even have to tell them what you’re going to do if you don’t want to.

The best way to react to the alcoholic when they are drinking is to NOT to react. Take up some new hobbies and crafts, stay busy, make new friends, join Alanon, and continue living your life. Don’t let alcoholism steal another minute of your precious life!


How Do I Detach From My Alcoholic Spouse?

Do you live with an alcoholic - Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse