Living With An Alcoholic: A Healthy Detachment

The best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.

Don’t Make Alcoholism Your Problem

If you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don’t know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!

Don’t Enable

Most spouses of alcoholics don’t realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.

Get Off The Pity Pot

Get off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. “Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can’t take it anymore” attitude won’t get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn’t doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don’t hang around the alcoholic, and don’t let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.

Detach With Love

You are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don’t try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative in nature anyway, just so you will keep enabling their behavior; so don’t start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.

Pray For The Alcoholic

I can’t tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)

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Review of The Alcoholism Trap -- Results within a couple of weeks!, May 13, 2008

"The Alcoholism Trap" has helped me so much in my relationship with my alcoholic husband. I've placed healthy boundaries for me and my two daughters that I had never put in place before.

As a devoted Christian, I had always just tried to be the peacemaker and my daughters and I have suffered as verbal punching bags as a result of that. Now I know that I can love my husband even better and take better care of my family's welfare by putting up healthy boundaries.

This book has enabled me to be more loving to my husband when he's sober because I'm not holding in resentment from allowing him to injure my spirit while he's drinking. And I no longer feel guilty about saying things or acting in a way I regret later because I have taken control of the only part I DO have control over - me.

When I see he's drinking, I just remind him that I love him, but I don't want him around me and the girls when he's drinking. Then, the girls and I go to a separate part of the house, as the book recommends, and enjoy our evenings. No more walking on eggshells! We're laughing again!

The first couple of weeks, it was hard because he's also a workaholic, so we were getting virtually no time with him. When he was sober, he was at work even on Saturdays and Sundays. But this past week, he's actually spent two days completely sober in order to spend time with us. This is unheard of! Unbelievable!

He's even admitted to me while sober that he has an alcohol addiction and he's "working on it". I encouraged him to quit altogether rather than trying to "cut back" and told him when he decides to make that commitment I have a book that might help :-)

I have been able to take better care of myself and my girls and I'm getting better at it with practice. My husband is treating me more respectfully and his eyes are being opened to the fact that HE is the one with the problem, not me and the girls.

If you're looking for a loving way to take care of your family in the middle of this crisis, buy "The Alcoholism Trap". I believe it is helping me save my sanity, my girls' self esteem, and my marriage. It's up to my husband whether he will be saved from alcoholism, but I've made my choice! Make yours today!

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Alcohol: The Most Used And Abused Drug By Teenagers

According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, June 1997, alcohol is the leading cause of death among teenagers. Teenage drinking contributes to the high rate of teenage car crashes, traumatic injuries, suicide and date rape. Alcohol is by far the most used and abused drug among America's teenagers today. According to a national survey, nearly one third (31.5%) of all high school students reported hazardous drinking of five or more drinks in one setting.

Twenty million American's are alcoholics, and the children of these alcoholics are likely to inherit the disease. More than 40% of those who start drinking at age fourteen or younger become alcoholics. The problem I see is the lack of knowledge about alcoholism being an inherited disease. Children of alcoholics are four times more likely than other children to become alcoholics, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

Teenagers, if you have a mother, father, or grandparent with the disease, then you might be susceptible to becoming an alcoholic. It is not a good idea to even have one drink. It is like playing Russian roulette. Abstinence is the best strategy against defying the odds of being another death statistic in the cogs of alcoholism.

I came from an alcoholic background, and I know first hand the destructive affects of what alcohol can do. I had no way of knowing that I would become an alcoholic, even though my grandfather was an alcoholic. I didn't know that at the age of seventeen, while drunk, I would be driving with my best friend and roll my car three times into a telephone pole. Fortunately for me, I wasn't hurt, but my friend will have back problems for life.

I can't tell you in a short article all the pain and suffering I put my mother through when I was a teenage drinker, or the anguish I put my husband through, but I can tell you this, I have been completely freed and forgiven through the love and saving grace of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have been alcohol free for over fourteen years!

Teenagers please don't let yourselves become trapped within the depths of this insidious disease; instead become informed about the susceptibility of alcoholism being passed down from one generation to the next. Abstinence and education is the best and most effective means of preventing the use and abuse of alcohol.

All it takes is one drink of alcohol if you carry the gene from a relative; that one drink is ONE too many! And even if you are not susceptible to becoming an alcoholic, alcohol is very dangerous and can make you do stupid things you normally would not do. Abstinence is the best policy.

Do You Love an Alcoholic? – Settings Boundaries For You (part 2)

Loving an alcoholic is not about taking care of them, but about taking care of you. You have a responsibility to protect yourself from any of the alcoholic’s negative and destructive behavior. Setting boundaries for you is how to become healthy, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You may have to change a few personal things and schedules around the house a bit to accommodate your boundaries, but this is how you protect yourself from the insidious disease of alcoholism. All the boundaries I suggest are always detaching from the alcoholic in a loving way.

Don’t be around the alcoholic when they are drinking. Does this sound difficult to do. Well it isn’t if you have your own bedroom, or other room, with a television, desk, phone, cell phone, laptop, etc. Be prepared to leave any room the alcoholic is drinking in. When the alcoholic asks you why you are leaving the room, let them know the truth; you are powerless to control their behavior and you do not want to be around them while they are drinking; it’s as simple as that. You are taking care of you!

Don’t argue, plead, or yell at the alcoholic no matter how difficult it gets. This is what the alcoholic wants you to do. If you argue, fuss and fight, it takes the focus off of them and their drinking and on to you. See how that works? This is how the alcoholic drives you into the disease with them. Every time you try and control the alcoholic through words or argument, you actually lose the battle; they won! You stay in control by staying silent. You are in control when the alcoholic wants you to argue with them, but you walk away instead. This is taking care of you!

Don’t give the alcoholic money, booze, or pay their bills. By doing these things it will only enable them to continue drinking and also enable their irresponsibility to the household. If they pay part, or all of a utility that will get shut off if it is not paid, then of course pay it, but keep all receipts so they can pay you back. Let them know you are not taking over their financial responsibilities, but you certainly can’t live without heat or water.

Don’t have sex with a drinking alcoholic. You do not have to have sex with sloppy, booze smelling person, even if it is your spouse? By giving into the drinking alcoholic sexually, you are allowing yourself to be abused in a way that will cause much animosity and resentment later on down the road. Let them know when they are sober they can come to you for sex. And don’t have sex with a cheating alcoholic. This is a no-brainer. Do you want to catch the latest rash of venereal diseases? Set your boundaries.

Remember that setting boundaries for you is not a threat or a way to control the alcoholic. On the contrary, your boundaries have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you! The alcoholic may not like your new attitude and that is why you explain to them why you have set boundaries. Explain to them that you will not be around an argumentative or abusive alcoholic, but when they are sober, you would love to talk with them. Tell them, “I Love you, but I don’t love the disease.”

For those of you with children, it is your responsibility to talk with your children about the parent with the alcohol addiction. They also need to detach from the drinking alcoholic for their spiritual and mental well-being. They desperately need to know it is not their fault that their mom or dad drinks. Let them know they are still loved by the alcoholic even if they get angry with them.

Search out God for your life in everything that you do. You will need the help of God for the strength, hope and faith to carry out with your boundaries. The minute you stop relying on God is when you will be tempted to give in and allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit. Don’t let that happen!

“Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change, (ourselves)”
Quoted from the AL-ANON book.

The bottom line is you set a boundary to define your area, to protect your space - physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. You set the boundary because it is what you need to do for your self. The great aspect about this whole boundary thing is you will be helping the alcoholic to look at himself for a change and actually see that he does have a drinking problem and he needs to deal with it accordingly.