*Stop Trying to Fix the Alcoholic
*Detach With Love; Never in Anger
*What to do When The Alcoholic Gets Abusive
*Don’t Let the Alcoholic Manipulate You!
*Setting Personal Boundaries to Define Your Space
*Encourage the Alcoholic When They Aren’t Drinking
*Stop Rescuing the Alcoholic and Rescue YOU Instead
*Don’t Allow Yourself To Become A Victim
*Why Can’t We Just Settle For God?
*Don’t be Controlled by the Alcoholic
*Ask God to Rid you of Resentment and Anger
*Put Your Faith, Hope and Trust in God
I somewhat disagree with this. I agree in the fact that ultimatums don't get the alcoholic to "stop" drinking - only he/she can do that! But ultimatums can provide boundaries within your home. For example: My husband knew that our home was not a place for him to drink. If he did, it was not a pleasant place. He needed to sleep on the couch, I would retreat to my office, we would not spend any time together - I would just avoid him. I knew this didn't prohibit him from drinking. But I also knew that in making those demands, I was keeping my home "somewhat" safe for me and my children. My husband has never been an abusive man - never hit or caused harm. He became more humerous and loving when he drank. But our family knew his drinking was causing health issues and liked him much more sober. But I think setting the home boundaries, ultimatums needed to be enforced. "Yes", this did on many occasions start a war or unpleasant situations with us. But if I had not enforced these house rules, it would have been much worse. My husband has just completed treatment. And he agrees that my ultimatums and rules in the house facilitated his getting help. I was no longer an enabler, I stood my ground and that made it more difficult for him to drink. He did drink on many occasions in the home, but always leading to a fight. He knew this and knew the consequenses. Had I continued to make home a comfortable place for him to drink - he would have.
Hi Alli, Thank you for stopping by and reading the article and watching the video's. Yes, you are very right spouses and loved ones of alcoholics DO NEED to set personal boundaries for themselves and attempt to with the alcoholic.
What I meant about "Ultimatums Don't Work" is if the loved one constantly "threatens" the alcoholic with ultimatums...you see, eventually they are going to be "on to you" and see that it is all talk (threats) and no action. We certainly do have to set boundaries and we should let the alcoholic know what we will and will not tolerate, but to say "I will leave you, if you do not do this" or to say "you do this or else", these are the kinds of threats and ultimatums we are talking about.
If your intentions are to actually help the alcoholic and be a good influence to them idle threats are useless. Alcoholics are cunning and sly and they know if you are for real or not.
The number one reason "why" ultimatums don't work with the alcoholic is because they can't or won't, or usually are unable to keep their side of the bargain because they are sick with a compulsive addiction, a disorder that can cause an addict to drink and cross over boundaries and ultimatums...
In your case, your husband was truly ready and willing to get sober and your boundaries and ultimatums truly influenced him to get and stay sober...you are blessed! I wish that it worked like that for all spouses and loved ones of alcoholics.
May God Bless you and your family!! Angie HeavenMinistries.com
Thank you for sharing how you have dealt with finding a "happy" medium with the alcoholic spouse. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic and not abuse to me or the kids, and for that I'm grateful. But it strains our marriage. I find myself avoiding him is the easiest too. He's a grown man and knows he has a problem and what he needs to do to fix his problem. Time will tell.
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I somewhat disagree with this. I agree in the fact that ultimatums don't get the alcoholic to "stop" drinking - only he/she can do that! But ultimatums can provide boundaries within your home. For example: My husband knew that our home was not a place for him to drink. If he did, it was not a pleasant place. He needed to sleep on the couch, I would retreat to my office, we would not spend any time together - I would just avoid him. I knew this didn't prohibit him from drinking. But I also knew that in making those demands, I was keeping my home "somewhat" safe for me and my children. My husband has never been an abusive man - never hit or caused harm. He became more humerous and loving when he drank. But our family knew his drinking was causing health issues and liked him much more sober.
But I think setting the home boundaries, ultimatums needed to be enforced. "Yes", this did on many occasions start a war or unpleasant situations with us. But if I had not enforced these house rules, it would have been much worse.
My husband has just completed treatment. And he agrees that my ultimatums and rules in the house facilitated his getting help. I was no longer an enabler, I stood my ground and that made it more difficult for him to drink. He did drink on many occasions in the home, but always leading to a fight. He knew this and knew the consequenses. Had I continued to make home a comfortable place for him to drink - he would have.
Hi Alli, Thank you for stopping by and reading the article and watching the video's. Yes, you are very right spouses and loved ones of alcoholics DO NEED to set personal boundaries for themselves and attempt to with the alcoholic.
What I meant about "Ultimatums Don't Work" is if the loved one constantly "threatens" the alcoholic with ultimatums...you see, eventually they are going to be "on to you" and see that it is all talk (threats) and no action. We certainly do have to set boundaries and we should let the alcoholic know what we will and will not tolerate, but to say "I will leave you, if you do not do this" or to say "you do this or else", these are the kinds of threats and ultimatums we are talking about.
If your intentions are to actually help the alcoholic and be a good influence to them idle threats are useless. Alcoholics are cunning and sly and they know if you are for real or not.
The number one reason "why" ultimatums don't work with the alcoholic is because they can't or won't, or usually are unable to keep their side of the bargain because they are sick with a compulsive addiction, a disorder that can cause an addict to drink and cross over boundaries and ultimatums...
In your case, your husband was truly ready and willing to get sober and your boundaries and ultimatums truly influenced him to get and stay sober...you are blessed! I wish that it worked like that for all spouses and loved ones of alcoholics.
May God Bless you and your family!!
Angie
HeavenMinistries.com
Thank you for sharing how you have dealt with finding a "happy" medium with the alcoholic spouse. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic and not abuse to me or the kids, and for that I'm grateful. But it strains our marriage. I find myself avoiding him is the easiest too. He's a grown man and knows he has a problem and what he needs to do to fix his problem. Time will tell.
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