Does Your Alcoholic Spouse Still Love You?

Does your alcoholic spouse still love you?  I'm going to start right off the bat explaining how it really is when you are married to or love an alcoholic. The first thing to remember is they are not themselves.  Thy were not born alcoholic. Alcoholics become alcoholic through the many factors that foster addictive behavior in people. Alcohol changes a person that drinks and many times those changes are negative towards others, especially those who live with and love an alcoholic, such as a spouse. Spouses receive the brunt of the alcoholics behaviors, whether good or bad.

Not Themselves

The alcoholic can love and does love in the ways they know how to love as an addicted person.  Note the emphasis on "as an addicted person".  Addictive people often bury the feelings and emotions they don't want discovered and there they stay. More about that in a moment.   Yes, the addicted person still loves you but unfortunately they love alcohol more. Addiction makes us selfish and unable to provide "genuine love" to others while in the throngs of the addiction.  And because alcoholism is an progressive health issue the behaviors seem to get worse over time. 

Maybe you married an alcoholic who was not in the last stages of the addiction and they were more loving and caring towards you. But as I stated previously, alcoholism is a progressive addiction that enhances every facet of our bodies, namely mental, emotional, physical and spiritual and with that being said the alcoholic in your life may be showing signs of being in the depths of the addiction, where he or she is incapable of showing love in the proper manner.  

Alcoholics Bury Feelings

So yes, even though the alcoholic seems to not love you anymore, they do love you in the only way they know how as a drinking person who has entangled themselves into addiction.  Alcoholics tend to bury their feelings deep within themselves because if those feelings get out, he or she would have to feel something and they don't want to feel; that's precisely why they drink, to make themselves feel better.   Do you understand?   Alcoholics are very good at managing their emotions with booze.  And unfortunately that is part of why they are addicted.

So what can you do?  Detach with love. The alcoholic may forget to tell you they love you but you can always let them know you love them, just not the addiction. Read some of our articles on detaching from the alcoholic with love.  You desperately need to set boundaries for yourself so you can heal yourself and then help the alcoholic you love.   This will give you the encouragement and hope you need to continue to live with and love the alcoholic in your life.   

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Blessings,
Angie and Frank                                                      

How to Talk Your Spouse About His or Her Drinking Problem

How to Talk to Your Spouse About His or Her Drinking Problem

What do you say when you talk to your spouse about their drinking? Do you lecture them about their drinking? Do you threaten them with divorce if they don’t stop drinking? Do you call them names and accuse them of wrongdoing? This is our emotions talking for us. Spouses of alcoholics are usually emotionally distraught over the behaviors of the alcoholic and because of this they may end up being a detriment to the sobriety of the alcoholic. This is why we must learn to detach emotionally from the alcoholic.

Are You Too Emotionally Consumed with the Alcoholic?

No one can make someone else stop drinking, not even a loved one. The only person who can truly help the alcoholic to stop drinking is the drinker himself. But you can influence them to come out of denial and recognize they have a drinking problem. But there is a certain way you have to talk to them and behave around them. If you are feeling mentally drained and frustrated over the behaviors of the alcoholic you won’t be much help to them.

Ironically, once a loved one learns to detach from the behaviors of the alcoholic and starts taking care of their emotional and spiritual well being is when the alcoholic realizes they have a drinking problem. You see, when a loved one is too emotionally consumed with the alcoholic and their negative behaviors it keeps the alcoholic stuck in the addiction. This is because they don’t have to take responsibility for it if you are already doing it for them.

Are You an Enabler?

The alcoholic loves all the negative attention you give them such as the fussing over them when they drink, arguing to them about their drinking, babying them by putting them to bed, cleaning up messes they make while drinking, paying their fines, and not to mention giving them money for alcohol. What is left for them to do? Loved ones enable and they don’t even know it! Enabling is synonymous with taking responsibility when it comes to being married to an alcoholic.

The alcoholic loves it when you become frustrated and lose your emotions in bouts of anger at them. It tells them that YOU are the one with the problem, not them. Anytime you fuss, argue, threaten, belittle, become angry over, and finger-point and accuse the alcoholic, you are giving them the ammunition they need to say you are the one with the problem. But you don’t even drink, so how could you be the one with the problem?

Let me explain this in an example so you will get an idea of what I’m saying here. Have you ever gotten all riled up with your child and threatened them with punishment if they didn’t do something, or have you ever screamed and yelled for them to clean up their room? What usually happens? They become rebellious! They scream and yell back, stomp feet, and talk back. That’s because screaming, yelling and threatening does not work. These tactics have never worked with our children and they will never work with the alcoholic either.

So, now that you know how not to talk to your alcoholic spouse, lets talk about how you should talk to them. NEVER talk to a drinking alcoholic because you are wasting your time. When they are NOT drinking tell them these things.

What to Say to the Alcoholic

1) I love you (spouses name) but I hate the disease.
2) I will stand by you when you want to quit but I will not stand by you when you drink.
3) I like talking with you when you are sober, but I hate talking with you when you drink.
4) I love being with you as long as you are not drinking, but when you start to drink, I can’t be around you.
5) I love the man/woman I married but I do not like what the drinking does to you.

Be loving and kind and give lots of good attention when your spouse is not drinking. Always let them know that you will be supportive of then when they are ready to work towards sobriety. But when they are drinking, let the alcoholic be. Do not talk to them. Detach with love. Get on with your day doing whatever it is you do and allow yourself to completely be freed of what the alcoholic is doing.

You’re not responsible for the alcoholic, so stop taking responsibility for the alcoholic. Without using an angry tone, or threatening or accusing speech, let the alcoholic know that when they drink you will not interact with them and you would like some consideration from them to recognize this boundary of yours. And that’s it. In fact, you don’t even have to tell them what you’re going to do if you don’t want to.

The best way to react to the alcoholic when they are drinking is to NOT to react. Take up some new hobbies and crafts, stay busy, make new friends, join Alanon, and continue living your life. Don’t let alcoholism steal another minute of your precious life!

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How Do I Detach From My Alcoholic Spouse?

Do you live with an alcoholic - Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse