Does Your Alcoholic Spouse Still Love You?

Does your alcoholic spouse still love you?  I'm going to start right off the bat explaining how it really is when you are married to or love an alcoholic. The first thing to remember is they are not themselves.  Thy were not born alcoholic. Alcoholics become alcoholic through the many factors that foster addictive behavior in people. Alcohol changes a person that drinks and many times those changes are negative towards others, especially those who live with and love an alcoholic, such as a spouse. Spouses receive the brunt of the alcoholics behaviors, whether good or bad.

Not Themselves

The alcoholic can love and does love in the ways they know how to love as an addicted person.  Note the emphasis on "as an addicted person".  Addictive people often bury the feelings and emotions they don't want discovered and there they stay. More about that in a moment.   Yes, the addicted person still loves you but unfortunately they love alcohol more. Addiction makes us selfish and unable to provide "genuine love" to others while in the throngs of the addiction.  And because alcoholism is an progressive health issue the behaviors seem to get worse over time. 

Maybe you married an alcoholic who was not in the last stages of the addiction and they were more loving and caring towards you. But as I stated previously, alcoholism is a progressive addiction that enhances every facet of our bodies, namely mental, emotional, physical and spiritual and with that being said the alcoholic in your life may be showing signs of being in the depths of the addiction, where he or she is incapable of showing love in the proper manner.  

Alcoholics Bury Feelings

So yes, even though the alcoholic seems to not love you anymore, they do love you in the only way they know how as a drinking person who has entangled themselves into addiction.  Alcoholics tend to bury their feelings deep within themselves because if those feelings get out, he or she would have to feel something and they don't want to feel; that's precisely why they drink, to make themselves feel better.   Do you understand?   Alcoholics are very good at managing their emotions with boozeAnd unfortunately that is part of why they are addicted.

So what can you do?  Detach with love. The alcoholic may forget to tell you they love you but you can always let them know you love them, just not the addiction. Read some of our articles on detaching from the alcoholic with love.  You desperately need to set boundaries for yourself so you can heal yourself and then help the alcoholic you love.   This will give you the encouragement and hope you need to continue to live with and love the alcoholic in your life.   

How to Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse Ebook - (Instant download) New Low Price $14.99 

Angie and Frank                                                      

Using our Feelings to do Good With

This morning I woke up thinking about all the married people in the world who are living with an alcoholic and suffering greatly over it and something became aware to me that I never thought of before. I get some of my best awareness moments first thing in the morning when my mind is fresh and clear. 

Well, this morning I got to thinking that some people might be apprehensive to detach, and for many reasons. Perhaps they are afraid that if they detach their spouse will leave them; or maybe they are in fear to detach because of what the alcoholic may do to them; or perhaps they aren’t ready to take that leap of faith to detach because of the unknown consequences. Perhaps there are even more reasons. 

The point is these are normal feelings to have. I never thought about this before, that there are people who are apprehensive about detaching, until this morning and I’m thinking about updating the Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse eBook with some encouraging biblical wisdom to help people understand that, it’s ok to emotionally detach yourself from that which is hurting you”.
We know that detaching emotionally from the alcoholic works, not only is it proven to work and is something that is so very helpful to you and the alcoholic, but it is biblical. Part of learning to detach is being able to forgive, and turning the other cheek, both of which are positive character traits taught to us through God’s Word. 

Emotional detachment from the alcoholic is the best remedy for dealing with an abusive alcoholic and that is why we wrote the book “Detach From an Alcoholic Spouse”. Detaching begins the healing process for the spouse who is married to the alcoholic which as a result, gets the alcoholic to have to take responsibility for his or her drinking problem. 

It’s Ok to Emotionally Detach Yourself from that which is Hurting You

After all no one is made of steel, God gave us feelings so we could understand how to use those feelings appropriately with the people we interact with in life. He gave us His Wisdom and now we just have to apply His wisdom into our relationships. It begins with forgiveness, patience, turning the other cheek…

Think of detaching like this: Detaching is not being accepting of the alcoholic’s behavior, detaching is simply not allowing yourself to be a part of the alcoholic’s behavior. See the difference? You need to take care of you. 

God explains to us that we are to “Turn the Other Cheek”

But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Matthew 5:39

What is Jesus asking us to do here? Is He really telling us to allow ourselves to be browbeaten and mentally and emotionally abused by the alcoholic we are married to?
Not exactly, but…

He is asking us to “suffer patiently” rather than “retaliate with our emotions”. 

God teaches us how to use our feelings for the GOOD rather than for the bad.
What happens when you detach from that which is hurting you?
When you learn to emotionally detach it not only helps you but it also helps the alcoholic. Yelling, screaming and name-calling back (emotional retaliation) does not make the alcoholic look at himself and his problem, but rather look at you and what a mess you are. Christ says, “Turn to him the other also”. This just means “walk away” rather than “seek revenge” or “retaliate” or “get a divorce”, or “treat badly”, or…

“Turn to him the other also” does not mean to stand there and take the abuse but it does mean not to seek vengeance through how you react and behave towards the alcoholic. Turn to him the other also is what detaching is all about. You see, God knew that tuning the other cheek (detachment) shows the abusive one (alcoholic or other) that THEY are the ones that in fact DO have a problem; not you, the person they are married to. It makes them have to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors. 

When you detach you are releasing yourself from the problem! Essentially you are giving the alcoholic their problem (then they have to take responsibility) and when the alcoholic realizes this is when he or she can finally come out of denial, which is the first step towards healing. You’re not responsible for the alcoholic, even if you are married to them. You can’t control what an alcoholic does or doesn’t do while they are drinking. So shed yourself of that responsibility and detach from that aspect of the addiction. The ebook on detachment goes into much more detail on this.
Turning the other cheek or detaching is using your feelings for the good! This is the way God intended for us to use our emotions. Now, let’s go back to what we were talking about in the beginning about being apprehensive to detach. 

Sometimes when we do something new, not in our normal way of behaving it can be intimidating because we do not know what to expect. This is because we are so used to using our feelings as a defense mechanism. We feel a certain way and then use those feelings as a way to guard ourselves and to, well, retaliate or be abusive with those who are abusive with us. 

The problem with that is the alcoholic does not know how we are feeling and why we are retaliating; they just see us as having a problem, especially if we are blaming them, accusing them, calling them names, yelling and screaming, and even enabling them to drink. All of these things from you shows the alcoholic that YOU have a problem and it takes him or her off their problem, the drinking problem. Do you get it? It is time to come out of the trap of alcoholism!

You Must Put Your Faith with God, Not in Your Feelings

Well, these are the times to remember that you are not alone! You must put your faith and trust with Jesus Christ. He knows what you are going through. Reading Psalms gives us a reminder of this. God has shown us that He is our Protector and Provider, no matter what we are going through. 

For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard. Psalm 22:24
The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm 18:2

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you will revive me: you shall stretch forth your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand shall save me. Psalm 138:7

When you first stop retaliating back with your negative feelings and actually detach it will take the alcoholic off guard. They’re use to you name-calling, or screaming and yelling, not walking away. They may not like it because it is so foreign to them that it intimidates them. 

Turning the other cheek or detaching, whichever you want to call it, can be difficult to do, at first, because it is not your normal way of behaving, but after a while you will begin to feel a sense of peace and contentment come over you that you never experienced before when living with the alcoholic. 

Your healing has begun: This is because you realize that you don’t have to be a part of the addiction but only a person on the sidelines or a person for moral support to the alcoholic, if they ask for it. 

Only when you stop taking responsibility or when you stop reacting with your negative feelings will you understand your role in being married to an alcoholic. You love the alcoholic but hate the addiction. Ask God for discernment to know the difference between the two, and reading eBook “How to Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse” will be one of your greatest ammunition sources, besides the bible, when dealing with an alcoholic and wanting to learn how to detach and applying loving detachment into your marriage and life. 

Your role is not to retaliate or defend yourself but to simply be a loving spouse on the sidelines, who will not take responsibility for the drinker, and who will not help the drinker to drink, and who will not allow the drinker to think YOU are the one with the problem. Once you have rescued you from the addiction the alcoholic is then burdened with the responsibility of the problem instead of you. You see how that works?
How Do I Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse – shows you how to detach from the alcoholic and get your life back!

Getting Sober for Good!

Someone asked us if we recommend an “inpatient alcoholism treatment program” or an outpatient treatment program. I had to let her know, “neither”.

Our ministry does not believe in humanistic treatment healing centers. GOD is BIGGER than LIFE itself, so then how much more can HE rid our bodies of sickness?! We are a living testimony of the GREATNESS of our SAVIOR!

HE is the (our) ALPHA and OMEGA!
Without God we are NOTHING!

Then I went on to explain the disgusting and wretched mess I was in when I was still drinking. It was the only time in my life where I contemplated whether or not life was worth living—this is how bad off I was. I hated myself! The only reason “why” I was not a skid row bum or dead is because I had a few alcoholic friends that kept me off the streets.

Today, that woman is dead! Today, and for the last 19 years that woman is no longer with us…the new and improved Angie stands before you today because of the love of Jesus Christ. That’s it…nothing else keeps me alive but God, my Father who is with me right this minute and helping me to write this marriage column. (It is difficult bringing up my past, but God has shown me that it is what helps and encourages others the best—testimony).

Grace is a gift that needs to be accepted by us; another chance to turn our lives around and become a child of God rather than of the world. God rescued me from the depths of alcoholic hell!! That is what grace is. Grace teaches us that there is a whole different attitude and perspective about how we view the world around us and how we live our lives. When we are living in grace we see things differently in that we KNOW and REALIZE that nothing man has created can save us or heal our soul and make us whole people!! If our FAITH is still with man than we have not accepted the gift of grace yet!

Grace does not mean we can remain in our sins and we’re saved. God’s grace means today we can faithfully and sincerely get down on our knees and ask Him to take away our sicknesses and be with Him now!! It takes humbleness not words. It takes sincerity not lip serving. God does not care about ANYTHING we have to say, except for “HEAL ME!” and “I AM READY to FOLLOW YOU”! And if you say those words, you’d better be ready to just do it!!

There is no waiting to be with God…God wants us to come to Him now and HE WILL TAKE AWAY ALL SICKNESS and Disease WE ARE CARRYING AROUND WITH US, whatever it is. God lives in us and keeps us whole and alive as long as we continue to faithfully follow Him and the Path He has set out for us according to His Holy Word and Loving Presence within us! This is GRACE!
I then explained to the woman that there is no alcoholic treatment center or psychologist IN THIS WORLD that can actually HEAL a person’s soul—this is God’s job!

Send this to your loved one today!

How You Can Get Sober and Stay Sober For Good

Have you ever tried to quit drinking only to go back to it again and again? When you get sober are you getting sober for you or for someone else? It is my firm belief that the alcoholic must “want” to stop drinking and get their life back together for themselves BEFORE true sobriety will ever happen. When we are not convicted in our heart and mind to give up the addiction for ourselves we will have a difficult time staying sober.

Let me tell you a little bit about my situation when I first quit drinking and then you can decide for yourself. When I first got sober, about 16-years ago, I did it for my husband. I thought I wanted to quit so I could save my marriage, but I realized later, when reality hit, that I really didn’t want to quit drinking, but only wanted to appease husband and extended family.

I went into a rehab facility for 3-days and then went to a few Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but because I was not getting sober for myself, sobriety only lasted a few weeks. I kept telling myself “reasons” why I could drink. Some of these reasons were really ridiculous but my mind was coming from an alcoholic perspective. The mind of an alcoholic does not “see” nor “understand” the depth of reality around them.

If the alcoholic is still in denial that they have a drinking problem, or if they are not ready to quit, or if they try and quit for someone else rather than for themselves, they will NOT be able to stay sober for any amount of time. If the alcoholic really wants to quit, they will through the power of God in their life. Only our Creator can save us from ourselves and free us from the wretchedness of this world.

I give thanks to God every day for giving me my life back! And I continually praise Him for making me whole in Jesus Christ! We can go to rehab, AA, counseling and our family can plead and beg for us to quit and threaten to leave us, but unless we’re convicted in our heart to quit because “we” want to quit it just won’t happen.

Ah, yes, there are sober alcoholics walking around in society, but are they truly happy with their life? Are they truly free from the symptoms of an addictive mind?

God created us and He continues to breathe life into us, but some of us, especially those who are trapped within addiction are blowing God’s breath of life right back out—they have not yet accepted Christ—they are in bondage to addiction. The truth is we can walk this journey in life, stumbling around in the dark, hitting ourselves over the head in the process, or we can give up what is holding us back from God’s love for us.

We can humble our proud ways, and our wretched lives to Christ and begin to be the person that God intended for us to be—the person God intended for us to become in Him!!
I’m a living, breathing testimony of God breathing life into me…if I didn’t have life I wouldn’t be able to give you this encouragement today. But God gave me back my life and He wants me to let you know there is a better way—His way!

Don’t waste another minute of your day, covering up your pain, your troubles, your past and your grief with alcohol. Give those things to Jesus and He will take care of your needs. But you have to trust Him. God knows your pain—He is knocking at your door, but you have to answer the door and invite Him in. No more lip-serving. Invite Him in and FOLLOW the Path WHERE HE WANTS TO TAKE YOU.

God will give you peace and contentment…He says He will and I trust everything God says as true! Put your trust and faith in Him…today! God is amazingly Awesome!

And he went throughout all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction among the people. Mathew 4:23

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. James 5:14-15

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. Peter 2:24

In Jesus Christ,
Frank and Angie
Book Resources
The Alcoholism Trap – Encouragement for the alcoholic and loved One of an Alcoholic
Journey on the Roads Less Traveled – Angie’s personal testimony of accepting Jesus Christ and Getting Sober for Good!!