Do You Love an Alcoholic? – Stop Rescuing and Enabling (Part 1)

Do you love an alcoholic? How can you live with an alcoholic and love them at the same time? Very carefully. It’s true, it is very difficult to live with an alcoholic, but people do it all the time. Alcohol controls the mind and spirit of a person, so in affect as long as the alcoholic is drinking you will not get much love in return. Being married to an alcoholic is not a reason for divorce. It is reason for helping your loved one with the disease. Alcohol addiction is called the insidious disease for a reason. It breaks up homes, kills lives, and keeps them from discovering the Creator. Can it get anymore insidious than that?

A person who drinks excessively is called an alcoholic but that is not who they are. A person who drives a truck is called a trucker, but that is not who they are. I believe alcohol addiction to be a phase or transition of a person’s life, meaning it can be temporary. But many alcoholics become sober only to start drinking again, soon after, why? It is because they think they are in control of their addiction, but they aren’t. If a person truly wants to get sober and stay sober, they will.

The person behind the destruction and deception of alcohol is a totally different person when they have been sober for six months. A sober alcoholic can be a very loving and spiritual human being who is able to discern right from wrong and able to live a happy and abundant life. As long as the alcoholic remains drinking, his true character remains hidden from others, and will be under the control of the drink in every aspect of his life.

What can you do for the alcoholic in your life? The first step in helping them is to first help yourself. Become knowledgeable about the disease. Once you realize the impact of how your actions may be affecting the alcoholic in your life, you can detach properly from their destructive behavior. Detaching can be difficult to do but if you love the alcoholic and want to be supportive, detaching with love is the way to go.

Are you enabling your loved one to drink? Are you rescuing them from their problems and responsibilities? Ask yourself these questions to find out?

Am I doing anything that would enable the alcoholic to drink?

Am I doing anything that would facilitate the alcoholic’s behavior?

Am I doing anything that would rescue the alcoholic from his problems?

Am I getting driven into the disease with the alcoholic?

The only way to truly be supportive is don’t rescue, don’t enable, and don’t allow yourself to get driven into the disease with them. Here are some of the ways you enable the alcoholic.

You enable when you take up the slack for the alcoholic by doing their chores, duties and responsibilities. You enable when you give the alcoholic money or buy them booze.
You enable when you drink with them, or when you do anything to help the alcoholic to continue to live his alcoholic lifestyle and not realize that he has a drinking problem. If you do everything for him, how will he know?

Here are some of the ways you would rescue the alcoholic? You rescue when you sweep the alcoholic’s messes under the rug. The alcoholic NEEDS to be responsible for his own mess. You rescue when you lie for them. You rescue when you bail them out of jail or pay court fees for them.

Understand that the enabler/rescuer, which is you, help the alcoholic to continue drinking when you unintentionally become entangled within the deception of the disease with them. Remember, alcoholism is an insidious disease, and it will trap you in its grip if you allow it to. Don’t allow this to happen, or there will be no hope in the alcoholic to ever stop drinking.

How would you become driven into the disease with the alcoholic? By trying to control the alcoholic and how and when he drinks. By threatening the alcoholic with angry words and name calling, you are driving yourself into alcoholism. Don’t fuss, fight, argue, plead or try to control the alcoholic – it won’t work!

When the alcoholic spouse tells you they are sorry for anything bad they did against the marriage or you, they probably are really sorry, but that does not mean that it won’t happen again. An alcoholic can’t control their actions once they start drinking. The drinking is what makes them out of control and under the enslavement of the disease.

There is great hope for the alcoholic in your life, if you take care of yourself first, by not enabling, rescuing or getting driven into the disease. Once you are aware of what you should and should not do, you will be free to set boundaries for yourself in the home. An alcoholic will not abide by any boundaries, so it would be fruitless to try. You are setting boundaries for your own spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being, not the alcoholic’s. See part 2 on setting boundaries for you.

Seven Principles For An Addictive Free Life

1. Bring Past Out Into The Open

Talk about your past with your counselors or trusted friends. The goal is to rid your past from your spiritual bank by forgiving all the people you need to forgive. It is also important to forgive yourself! If you have a difficult time forgiving, express yourself on paper and then mail it to them. Give up your past by not hanging on to it any longer. You can be free of your negative past for good when you just let “it” go.

2. Treat Yourself With Love and Kindness

You don’t have to beat yourself up every night, for whatever reason you might try to do that. You have to treat yourself good. Addiction does not make you a bad person – addiction in itself is bad, period! There is a beautiful person behind the addiction that needs and wants to break free from its hold – let yourself free. Breaking free deserves loving the person you are. Because you love who you are and care about the person God created you to be, you can break free from addiction and live a productive, healthy, and happy life.

3. Take Control of Your Addiction

Don’t let addiction take control of your life any longer. The minute you allow drugs to control your life you have allowed the addiction to get the upper edge – Stay in control by being in control. The only way to really be in control is to break free from the hurts and pains of the past and let the crutch of drugs and or alcohol escape from your life! You can do it! I have witnessed so many people throw off the slavery of drugs and become positive, happy people. I am one of those people.

4. Detach From Negative Relationships

If someone you know is interfering with your sobriety you have to detach. This means even family and close friends. We cannot and should not allow other people’s negativity or bad attitude to rub off on us. Essentially, when those we are in relationships with harm us with words, or with a bad attitude, they are trespassing against our Spirit, and we can’t have that – it is very detrimental to our emotional and spiritual wellbeing. It is our spiritual self that keeps us alive in God and when others cross our spiritual boundaries we must detach with Love.

5. Get Healthy!

One of the first things my mom did for me when I got sober was to encourage me to get involved in an aerobics’ class. It was pretty rough the first week, but after that I begin to feel so much better. The healthier we are, the less likely we are to crave drugs and or alcohol. I cannot stress enough about getting on a good healthy eating program using whole fresh foods. Once you begin eating healthy it’s perfectly ok to indulge once in awhile with your favorite chips, candy bar or ice-cream. And what about physical activity? I believe that everyone, even the younger generation should get out there and start walking every single day. Work yourself up to brisk walking -- it is a great cardiovascular activity.

6. Enjoy Nature

Get outside and listen to the birds chirping, the trees blowing, and the hot sunshine on your face. We tend to take these beautiful creations of God for granted, but God made nature for our enjoyment and fun. Grab a friend and go hiking, fishing, or camping. Take your newly sober spouse to the mountains and go skiing, sledding, or maybe just for a bit of romance. Whatever it is you decide to do, make sure it is with the beautiful outdoors among the animals and scenic beauties that God has blessed us with. Have fun! Nature is ours to enjoy.

7. Help Others With Addiction

Your encouraging words and actions are a Godsend to those who are in the throngs of addiction or in recovery. Think about what one piece of wisdom or advice that you could encourage others with that helped you in your recovery? Be a supportive link for others and it will help them as well as aid you in your own sobriety.

What one piece of wisdom can I give to others about getting sober and staying sober?

Never give up! The minute you say you will never get sober, you have talked yourself out of getting sober. You must set it in your mind that you WILL get sober and stay sober because you CAN.

Panic Attacks and Addiction

Have you ever felt panicky and afraid? Your breathing becomes erratic and your heart beats in flutters and moves about wildly in your chest. It feels like you might be having a heart attack. It's probably not a heart attack, but a panic attack. You can tell the difference. During a real heart attack, the primary symptom is a crushing sensation inside the chest that causes a person to double up in pain. Panic attacks do not hurt physically. During a panic attack, the heart beats rapidly and you may even be able to hear your own heartbeat.

Panic attacks are scary because you don't know what is going on with your body. I know a little bit about panic attacks because I used to get them periodically. The first time I ever had a panic attack, my dad called an ambulance because he thought I was having a stroke or heart attack. Panic attacks are not a serious health threat, and they have nothing to do with the health of your heart.

Some people may not get full-blown panic attacks, but might feel anxious, nervous or fearful instead. The good news is, panic attacks can be completely eliminated from your life for good by getting to the bottom of why you may feel panicky and or anxious in the first place. Panic attacks are only a symptom of something going awry with your emotions and, or physical health.
Addiction of any kind can cause anxiety and fear in us. So can feelings of guilt and shame. Not eating a good daily diet, and having low blood sugar can also cause nervousness and anxiety. Certain medications can cause panic and fear in us too. Heavy-laden emotions can make us feel nervous, fearful and anxious as well.

The good news is, we do not have to let our feelings control our mind and body. We can humbly pray about it, asking God to help rid us of our negative and destructive feelings that might be making us feel fearful and anxious. We can trust in God with all of our heart and mind, and He will take care of us.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)

If it is guilt that is causing you to feel anxious and fearful, maybe you just need to stop doing something you know in your heart to be wrong, or stop behaving a certain way. Many things can make a person feel guilty. To overcome this destructive emotion, you should really try and get to the bottom of what might be making you feel bad. Ask God to help you rid your mind of these unwanted feelings.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7 NIV)
If addiction is causing you to feel anxious or guilty, then again, you need to believe with all of your heart and mind that God can rid you of the controlling forces of alcoholism and drug addiction. When we pray we really need to be sincere by praying in a genuine selfless way, asking God to deliver us from the depths of addiction because we truly want to quit in the addiction and are committed to God.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV)

This is the great and awesome works of our Lord and Savior! If you truly want to be free from panic attacks and other fearful feelings, God will take them from you forever! You will become a new person in Jesus Christ. You do not have to be a slave to your emotions any longer. Give them to God and He will take care of you.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified' do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9 NIV)