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Most spouses and loved ones of addicts, that have not helped themselves, do feel resentment and anger. They feel resentful for taking care of the alcoholic. They feel resentful for taking the brunt of the abusive behaviors that come with addiction. They feel resentful because they are spending their days worrying about the alcoholic. Understand that you are not alone. When you learn to detach with love it will release a huge burden from you spiritually and emotionally.
1. Realize that Alcoholism is Not Your Problem or Responsibility
When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s behaviors you at once stop allowing the addiction to control you. The truth is most loved ones of addicts are preoccupied with the addicts behaviors. In other words, they allow the behaviors of the addict to consume their thoughts day in and day out and it makes them sick with the addict. No wonder you feel resentful—you don’t have a life when you consume yourself with the addict’s behaviors!
The only time we would want to interfere with the alcoholic is if they are hurting themselves or someone else. Know the difference. We have to interfere if they are going to get into a car and drive drunk. We will have to interfere if they are emotionally abusing any children in the home. These things are a must, but we don’t have to enable the addiction or rescue them from the problems they create while drinking and being drunk.
2. Don’t Blame Yourself
Loved ones sometimes indirectly blame themselves for the addiction. This happens because the alcoholic has abusive tirades where they continually blame their spouse or other close loved ones for their unhappiness. But it’s not true! Alcoholics are alcoholics because they chose to take that first drink and they are responsible for what they do while intoxicated. Once you give them back the addiction they are more apt to come out from denial and seek help. Alcoholics can get sober but THEY have to be willing.
3. Stop Trying to Control the Addiction or Fix the Alcoholic
Loved ones and spouses think they can somehow control the amount of alcohol the alcoholic drinks, or they think they can somehow get them to stop drinking altogether. This is nonsensical. You are completely powerless to control the alcoholic or the addiction. But you can control how you react to the alcoholic’s behaviors. Be good to yourself and don’t let the abuse destroy your emotional and spiritual well being.
You can’t fix the alcoholic—they can only fix themselves. The more you enable and rescue the alcoholics problems, that they have created while drinking, the more they will be consumed within the addiction—in essence, you the enabler, are helping them drink! The best way to help the alcoholic or addict is to do nothing. Don’t react to the abuse and don’t enable and rescue.
4. Don’t Give up and Don’t Get Discouraged
We have control over what we do, what we say, and how we react to the addiction. We can control our own thoughts, actions and behaviors towards the alcoholic and towards ourselves. We can choose to continue doing those things that make us happy while praying for the recovery of our loved one. We must learn to let “it” go and give it to God. God gives us the peace we need to live with and love the alcoholic.
5. Get Educated About Alcoholism
The more we understand about alcoholism the easier it is for us to handle each and every situation that comes up with the alcoholic. I cannot say how important it is to get yourself educated about all the aspects of alcoholism because it will make or break your sanity in the long run. ALANON, a group that helps spouses learn to detach, is an excellent way to begin your education because you will realize you are not alone in how you feel and there are others who are going through exactly what you are. You don’t have to feel resentful or bitter about the addiction or alcoholic any longer.
Four New Ebooks! Do you need to detach? Do you want to stop enabling the addiction? Do you want to be happy again while living with and loving an alcoholic? http://www.heavenministries.com
Heaven Ministries has put together the nuts and bolts of healing from all the aspects of alcoholism, based on personal experience and from counseling couples on addiction over the past ten years. It is very possible to learn to live with and love the alcoholic in your life, without "it" making YOU go crazy. Don't let addiction steal another minute of your day!
You Can Conquer Addiction! Helpful Resources Support and Encouragement for addiction.
How Do I Love My Alcoholic Spouse?
The best way to love an alcoholic spouse or loved one is with detachment towards the behaviors of the disease. Let the alcoholic know that you do love them but it is the addiction you hate. And because you hate the addiction so much you are unable to be around them when they drink. Become knowledgeable about alcoholism so you can better understand its cunning and baffling ways.
Separate The Person From The Addiction
Alcoholism is a sickness just like any other sickness. In fact a person with hypoglycemia would physically and emotionally feel much like a dry alcoholic would. Alcoholics almost always have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) because of the adverse affects of alcohol on the body. When someone is sick with diabetes or hypoglycemia it is not the substance of “who they are” it is what has been created in their life because of circumstances and triggers connected to them. It is the same way with addiction of any kind. Addiction is a hurdle that can be conquered.
5 Triggers That Spark Addiction
Alcoholism is created in our lives because of underlying triggers and circumstances being present. These factors are physical, heredity, environmental, emotional and spiritual.
1. The craving for alcohol is the physical aspect of addiction, and has a lot to do with diet.
2. Past baggage is the emotional, mental, and sometimes spiritual aspects that offset addiction.
3. Environmental is people we are close to that are alcoholic or were alcoholic. For instance, if a person grew up with an alcoholic parent, that person is more likely to become an alcoholic or marry an alcoholic.
4. The spiritual is the connection the alcoholic has with God.
5. Heredity is genes from an alcoholic parent or grandparent.
All of the above are major triggers that reinforce addiction in a person. But these triggers can be healed and that is how the addict becomes sober and stays sober. The alcoholic can’t just stop drinking and think they are healed; there is more to it than that. If the alcoholic just stops drinking and does not take action to heal and or change his circumstances then he will most likely not stay sober for very long.
Stop Putting Band-Aids on the Alcoholic’s Wounds
Every time the enabler kisses the boo-boo and puts a band-aid on the alcoholic’s wounds, they will never fully realize they are sick and need healing. For example, if a person continually gets bad headaches and they cover up the pain with aspirin, they will never get to real reason of “why” they keep getting headaches. “Why does the alcoholic drink? What circumstances and triggers are present that can be eliminated from the alcoholics life. All triggers can be healed and done away with for good with the right addiction counseling, intervention and Godly support, expect for the heredity factor.
You have to allow the alcoholic to tend to his own wounds for a change. If the enabler keeps covering up the wounds the addict will never take charge of his own behavior, reactions, and circumstances. Covering up the alcoholic’s behaviors with band-aids only reinforces in the alcoholic more denial that he or she even has a problem.
You help the alcoholic best by pulling yourself away emotionally and that takes effort on your part, but you can do it. Love, support, and encourage the alcoholic when they are NOT drinking. Cut the ropes to the disease but love the person. Do not become trapped within the sickness of addiction anymore. You have to start rescuing you for a change and you can only do that by letting it go.
Ask Jesus to help you to detach with love from the alcoholic. Never underestimate the power of prayer in your life. Keep praying for the alcoholic because God does hear your prayers. He knows the suffering and pain you are going through every day. This is precisely why you need to go to Him and ask Him to give you the strength and faith you will need daily to cope with loving an alcoholic.
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:25)
Before I end this article I would like to leave you with some encouragement from the book of ALANON.
Why do I waste my precious time and energy trying to figure out what makes an alcoholic drink—why he doesn’t consider his family, his obligations, his reputation? All I need to know is that he suffers from a disease—alcoholism, the compulsion to drink. Why shouldn’t I have compassion for him and his illness when I am so ready to feel sorry for people who have other diseases? Do I blame them? Can I cure him by reproaching him? Can I look into his heart and realize the true nature of his sufferings?
Today’s Reminder
The fact that I am the spouse, child, parent, or friend of an alcoholic does not give me the right to try to control him. I can only make the situation worse by treating him like an irresponsible naughty child.
“On this day I promise God and myself that I will let go of the problem which is destroying my peace of mind. I pray for detachment from the situation, but not from the suffering drinker who may be helped to find the way to sobriety through the change in my attitude and the love and compassion I am able to express.”
ALANON – One Day At A Time.
The Alcoholism Trap: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-alcoholism-trap/946885
Separate The Person From The Addiction
Alcoholism is a sickness just like any other sickness. In fact a person with hypoglycemia would physically and emotionally feel much like a dry alcoholic would. Alcoholics almost always have hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) because of the adverse affects of alcohol on the body. When someone is sick with diabetes or hypoglycemia it is not the substance of “who they are” it is what has been created in their life because of circumstances and triggers connected to them. It is the same way with addiction of any kind. Addiction is a hurdle that can be conquered.
5 Triggers That Spark Addiction
Alcoholism is created in our lives because of underlying triggers and circumstances being present. These factors are physical, heredity, environmental, emotional and spiritual.
1. The craving for alcohol is the physical aspect of addiction, and has a lot to do with diet.
2. Past baggage is the emotional, mental, and sometimes spiritual aspects that offset addiction.
3. Environmental is people we are close to that are alcoholic or were alcoholic. For instance, if a person grew up with an alcoholic parent, that person is more likely to become an alcoholic or marry an alcoholic.
4. The spiritual is the connection the alcoholic has with God.
5. Heredity is genes from an alcoholic parent or grandparent.
All of the above are major triggers that reinforce addiction in a person. But these triggers can be healed and that is how the addict becomes sober and stays sober. The alcoholic can’t just stop drinking and think they are healed; there is more to it than that. If the alcoholic just stops drinking and does not take action to heal and or change his circumstances then he will most likely not stay sober for very long.
Stop Putting Band-Aids on the Alcoholic’s Wounds
Every time the enabler kisses the boo-boo and puts a band-aid on the alcoholic’s wounds, they will never fully realize they are sick and need healing. For example, if a person continually gets bad headaches and they cover up the pain with aspirin, they will never get to real reason of “why” they keep getting headaches. “Why does the alcoholic drink? What circumstances and triggers are present that can be eliminated from the alcoholics life. All triggers can be healed and done away with for good with the right addiction counseling, intervention and Godly support, expect for the heredity factor.
You have to allow the alcoholic to tend to his own wounds for a change. If the enabler keeps covering up the wounds the addict will never take charge of his own behavior, reactions, and circumstances. Covering up the alcoholic’s behaviors with band-aids only reinforces in the alcoholic more denial that he or she even has a problem.
You help the alcoholic best by pulling yourself away emotionally and that takes effort on your part, but you can do it. Love, support, and encourage the alcoholic when they are NOT drinking. Cut the ropes to the disease but love the person. Do not become trapped within the sickness of addiction anymore. You have to start rescuing you for a change and you can only do that by letting it go.
Ask Jesus to help you to detach with love from the alcoholic. Never underestimate the power of prayer in your life. Keep praying for the alcoholic because God does hear your prayers. He knows the suffering and pain you are going through every day. This is precisely why you need to go to Him and ask Him to give you the strength and faith you will need daily to cope with loving an alcoholic.
Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. (Psalm 25:25)
Before I end this article I would like to leave you with some encouragement from the book of ALANON.
Why do I waste my precious time and energy trying to figure out what makes an alcoholic drink—why he doesn’t consider his family, his obligations, his reputation? All I need to know is that he suffers from a disease—alcoholism, the compulsion to drink. Why shouldn’t I have compassion for him and his illness when I am so ready to feel sorry for people who have other diseases? Do I blame them? Can I cure him by reproaching him? Can I look into his heart and realize the true nature of his sufferings?
Today’s Reminder
The fact that I am the spouse, child, parent, or friend of an alcoholic does not give me the right to try to control him. I can only make the situation worse by treating him like an irresponsible naughty child.
“On this day I promise God and myself that I will let go of the problem which is destroying my peace of mind. I pray for detachment from the situation, but not from the suffering drinker who may be helped to find the way to sobriety through the change in my attitude and the love and compassion I am able to express.”
ALANON – One Day At A Time.
The Alcoholism Trap: http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-alcoholism-trap/946885
The Connection Between Sugar, Self Esteem, And Emotional Issues
Is there a link between sugar and self esteem? Traditional doctors may not have discovered how eating refined sugar influences our emotions and the way we feel about ourselves, but it does. When I was in my twenties and thirties I experienced it over, and over, and over again. And I have seen it over and over and over again with young Hollywood celebrities and other young people. There is a definite connection to fluctuating blood sugar levels, self esteem and emotions.
Every organ in our body has a unique job to do that keeps certain aspects of our health running smoothly. For instance when we overload our body, specifically the kidneys with too many protein foods, we feel sick. Symptoms are headache, tiredness, and feelings of general malaise. You would have to eat a lot of protein in one day to feel the effects, but it does happen. If we continue to overload our kidneys, eventually they will quit doing their job properly and illness sets in.
Another example is how alcoholics tend to overload their body with too much alcohol and it negatively affects the liver, and overall nutrition in the body. Eventually if the alcoholic doesn’t stop abusing their body, the liver will become ravaged with disease. As these important organs begin experiencing difficulties from too much overload, so does the mind. The brain is as much plagued by nutritional deficiencies, as is the rest of the body.
What happens when a person overloads with too much refined sugar and flour products? Eventually the pancreas stops doing its job of processing sugar and producing the important hormone insulin, and sugar overload symptoms will show up throughout the body in many illnesses identified today. Many of these symptoms show up as emotional also. This is where low self esteem and negative emotions come into the picture.
Physical systems from processed food overload are headache, bloated, irritable bowels, eczema, potbelly, boils, flu’s and colds, arthritis, osteoporosis, asthma, allergies, lower backache, etc. Emotional symptoms show up as depression, bipolar, hypoglycemia, diabetic, moody, agitated, cranky, inability to focus, dizzy, tingly, numb, panicky, fearful, low self-esteem, attention deficient, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Almost every health condition known to man is caused by something we are putting into our body. Whether it is too much soda pop, alcohol, refined sugar, and refined flour foods. Low self worth, depression, and other emotional issues begin to surface in the individual who eats a poor daily diet.
Some young people have a difficult time dealing with their emotions properly because they are still learning and growing. When they are nutritionally healthy they can better manage their emotions with a clear focus and deal with them properly. It’s true! Teenagers that are healthy have a better outlook on life and better self esteem.
But what if they are vitamin and mineral deficient from eating a poor diet? Like I mentioned earlier mineral deficiency interferes with normal hormone function. A mineral deficient brain does not think rationally. It is missing vital nutrients needed for proper brain function. I think this is a BIG reason why many parents see behavior in their teenager that could be considered disturbing or irrational. We have all seen the same behavior in many young celebrities too. Remember we are what we eat.
Take note of what your teenagers are eating. Are they receiving adequate amounts of vitamins and minerals in their daily diet? Remember that soda pop depletes important nutrients from the body, namely calcium, zinc and magnesium. That means if they drink soda they need to double up on these vital nutrients for strong bones, healthy mind and a good self-image.
Copyright © 2009 Angie Lewis – Heaven Ministries
Every organ in our body has a unique job to do that keeps certain aspects of our health running smoothly. For instance when we overload our body, specifically the kidneys with too many protein foods, we feel sick. Symptoms are headache, tiredness, and feelings of general malaise. You would have to eat a lot of protein in one day to feel the effects, but it does happen. If we continue to overload our kidneys, eventually they will quit doing their job properly and illness sets in.
Another example is how alcoholics tend to overload their body with too much alcohol and it negatively affects the liver, and overall nutrition in the body. Eventually if the alcoholic doesn’t stop abusing their body, the liver will become ravaged with disease. As these important organs begin experiencing difficulties from too much overload, so does the mind. The brain is as much plagued by nutritional deficiencies, as is the rest of the body.
What happens when a person overloads with too much refined sugar and flour products? Eventually the pancreas stops doing its job of processing sugar and producing the important hormone insulin, and sugar overload symptoms will show up throughout the body in many illnesses identified today. Many of these symptoms show up as emotional also. This is where low self esteem and negative emotions come into the picture.
Physical systems from processed food overload are headache, bloated, irritable bowels, eczema, potbelly, boils, flu’s and colds, arthritis, osteoporosis, asthma, allergies, lower backache, etc. Emotional symptoms show up as depression, bipolar, hypoglycemia, diabetic, moody, agitated, cranky, inability to focus, dizzy, tingly, numb, panicky, fearful, low self-esteem, attention deficient, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
Almost every health condition known to man is caused by something we are putting into our body. Whether it is too much soda pop, alcohol, refined sugar, and refined flour foods. Low self worth, depression, and other emotional issues begin to surface in the individual who eats a poor daily diet.
Some young people have a difficult time dealing with their emotions properly because they are still learning and growing. When they are nutritionally healthy they can better manage their emotions with a clear focus and deal with them properly. It’s true! Teenagers that are healthy have a better outlook on life and better self esteem.
But what if they are vitamin and mineral deficient from eating a poor diet? Like I mentioned earlier mineral deficiency interferes with normal hormone function. A mineral deficient brain does not think rationally. It is missing vital nutrients needed for proper brain function. I think this is a BIG reason why many parents see behavior in their teenager that could be considered disturbing or irrational. We have all seen the same behavior in many young celebrities too. Remember we are what we eat.
Take note of what your teenagers are eating. Are they receiving adequate amounts of vitamins and minerals in their daily diet? Remember that soda pop depletes important nutrients from the body, namely calcium, zinc and magnesium. That means if they drink soda they need to double up on these vital nutrients for strong bones, healthy mind and a good self-image.
Copyright © 2009 Angie Lewis – Heaven Ministries
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