This morning
I woke up thinking about all the married people in the world who are living with
an alcoholic and suffering greatly over it and something became aware to me that
I never thought of before. I get some of my best awareness moments first thing
in the morning when my mind is fresh and clear.
Well, this
morning I got to thinking that some people might be apprehensive to detach, and
for many reasons. Perhaps they are afraid that if they detach their spouse will
leave them; or maybe they are in fear to detach because of what the alcoholic
may do to them; or perhaps they aren’t ready to take that leap of faith to
detach because of the unknown consequences. Perhaps there are even more reasons.
The point is
these are normal feelings to have. I never thought about this before, that there
are people who are apprehensive about detaching, until this morning and I’m
thinking about updating the Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse eBook with some
encouraging biblical wisdom to help people understand that, “it’s ok to emotionally detach yourself from that which is
hurting you”.
We know that
detaching emotionally from the alcoholic works, not
only is it proven to work and is something that is so very helpful to you and
the alcoholic, but it is biblical. Part of learning to detach is being able to
forgive, and turning the other cheek, both of which are positive character
traits taught to us through God’s Word.
Emotional
detachment from the alcoholic is the best remedy for dealing with an abusive
alcoholic and that is why we wrote the book “Detach From
an Alcoholic Spouse”.
Detaching begins the healing process for the spouse who is married to the
alcoholic which as a result, gets the alcoholic to have to take responsibility
for his or her drinking problem.
It’s Ok to Emotionally Detach
Yourself from that which is Hurting You
After all no
one is made of steel, God gave us feelings so we could understand how to use
those feelings appropriately with the people we interact with in life. He gave
us His Wisdom and now we just have to apply His wisdom into our relationships.
It begins with forgiveness, patience,
turning the other cheek…
Think of detaching like
this: Detaching is
not being accepting of the alcoholic’s behavior, detaching is simply not
allowing yourself to be a part of the alcoholic’s behavior. See
the difference? You need to take care of you.
God explains to us that we are to
“Turn the Other Cheek”
But I say unto you,
That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee
on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Matthew
5:39
What is
Jesus asking us to do here? Is He really telling us to allow ourselves to be
browbeaten and mentally and emotionally abused by the alcoholic we are married
to?
Not exactly, but…
He is asking
us to “suffer patiently” rather than “retaliate
with our emotions”.
God teaches
us how to use our feelings for the GOOD rather than for the bad.
What happens when you detach from
that which is hurting you?
When you
learn to emotionally detach it not only helps you but it also
helps the alcoholic. Yelling, screaming and name-calling back (emotional
retaliation) does not make the alcoholic look at himself and his problem, but
rather look at you and what a mess you are. Christ says, “Turn to him the other also”. This just means “walk away” rather than “seek revenge” or
“retaliate” or “get a divorce”, or “treat badly”, or…
“Turn to him the
other also” does not
mean to stand there and take the abuse but it does mean not to seek vengeance
through how you react and behave towards the alcoholic. Turn to him the
other also is what detaching is all about. You see, God knew that tuning
the other cheek (detachment) shows the abusive one (alcoholic or other) that
THEY are the ones that in fact DO have a problem; not you, the person they are
married to. It makes them have to take responsibility for their actions and
behaviors.
When you detach you are releasing
yourself from the problem! Essentially you are giving the
alcoholic their problem (then they have to take responsibility) and when the
alcoholic realizes this is when he or she can finally come out of denial, which
is the first step towards healing. You’re not responsible for the alcoholic,
even if you are married to them. You can’t control what an alcoholic does or
doesn’t do while they are drinking. So shed yourself of that responsibility and
detach from that aspect of the addiction.
The ebook
on detachment goes
into much more detail on this.
Turning the other cheek or detaching
is using your feelings for the good! This is the way God intended for us
to use our emotions. Now, let’s go back to what we were talking about in the
beginning about being apprehensive to detach.
Sometimes
when we do something new, not in our normal way of behaving it can be
intimidating because we do not know what to expect. This is because we are so used to using our
feelings as a defense mechanism. We feel a certain way and then use those
feelings as a way to guard ourselves and to, well, retaliate or be abusive with those who are abusive with us.
The problem
with that is the alcoholic does not know how we are feeling and why we are
retaliating; they just see us as having a problem, especially if we are blaming
them, accusing them, calling them names, yelling and screaming, and even
enabling them to drink. All of these things from you shows the alcoholic that YOU have a problem and it takes him
or her off their problem, the drinking problem. Do you get it? It is time to come out of the trap of
alcoholism!
You Must Put Your Faith with God, Not
in Your Feelings
Well, these
are the times to remember that you are not alone! You must put your faith and
trust with Jesus Christ. He knows what
you are going through. Reading Psalms gives us a reminder of this. God has shown
us that He is our Protector and Provider, no matter what we are going through.
For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the
afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he
heard. Psalm 22:24
The LORD is my
rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will
trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. Psalm
18:2
Though I walk in the
midst of trouble, you will revive me: you shall stretch forth your hand against
the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand shall save me. Psalm
138:7
When you
first stop retaliating back with your negative feelings and actually detach it
will take the alcoholic off guard. They’re use to you name-calling, or screaming
and yelling, not walking away. They may
not like it because it is so foreign to them that it intimidates them.
Turning the
other cheek or detaching, whichever you want to call it, can be difficult to do,
at first, because it is not your normal way of behaving, but after a while you
will begin to feel a sense of peace and contentment come over you that you never
experienced before when living with the alcoholic.
Your healing has
begun: This is
because you realize that you don’t have to be a part of the addiction but only a
person on the sidelines or a person for moral support to the alcoholic, if they
ask for it.
Only when
you stop taking responsibility or when you stop reacting with your negative
feelings will you understand your role in being married to an alcoholic. You
love the alcoholic but hate the addiction. Ask God for discernment to
know the difference between the two, and reading eBook “How to Detach from an Alcoholic Spouse” will be one of your greatest
ammunition sources, besides the bible, when dealing with an alcoholic and
wanting to learn how to detach and applying loving detachment into your marriage
and life.
Your role is
not to retaliate or defend yourself but to simply be a loving spouse on the
sidelines, who will not take responsibility for the drinker, and who will not
help the drinker to drink, and who will not allow the drinker to think YOU are
the one with the problem. Once you have
rescued you from the addiction the alcoholic is then burdened with the
responsibility of the problem instead of you. You see how that
works?
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